I have celebrated and looked at baby pictures of friends who were pregnant at the same time as me. Some who were many months behind me are now having their babies. I look at the pictures of their babies and I ache at realizing the favor the Lord gives us in allowing us to give birth and raise up children. Just like He delights in giving us marriage so we would not be alone but to be unified in our cause for following Him, He also delights in giving us children. I think a lot since Tobi died on how little I thank Him that He is so good that He delights in giving us such gifts. (Oh how we should train ourselves to stop in our complaining about them and think more and more on what a great and wonderful God we serve that allows us to not be alone but be husbands and wives and mama’s and daddy’s.)
But while I am so happy to see the pictures of these children that He loves being born one right after another to mama’s and daddy’s that He loves equally as much, I find myself having to turn away and not look at them for too long. Even now, just writing about this makes my heart feel so swollen and bruised that I feel it might cut off my breathing.
I worry a lot lately that everyone is tired of hearing me talk about this. I worry that people read my statuses with Bible verses about sorrow and suffering and how He restores our joy and roll their eyes thinking, “Here she goes again. Come on, Bevin… now you're just looking for attention.” I hope this isn’t the case and honestly, even it if I knew for certain it is what everyone thinks, I still would write it. I still would talk about it. I believe that He’s allowed this with Tobi so that maybe even just 1 of His lost sheep would hear my testimony of His faithfulness and strength and would follow Him back to the 99. Maybe that won’t happen, but I can’t make myself be quiet. He has been too good. It just won't do to be silent.
When I’ve come to those moments of great sadness these last couple months, I have found that for me, speaking about His goodness makes me feel joy in the midst of my sorrow that I can’t explain to someone who doesn’t know it for themselves. It actually seems to me like it’s my antidote for sorrow - to speak of who He is. I have overflowed with messages from Him, some that I’ve written on this blog because HE told me what to write. I've made it a rule to wait on a message from Him before I write so that they're easy and quick to write. It doesn’t take a lot of deleting and tedious rewording because it just… flows out. But these last couple weeks He has remained silent and has not given me any kind of message about this new thing I’m feeling. He has given me words about other things. Things I should be praying for for others who are going through completely different kinds of hard times at the moment.
No, not even "again"… it just feel fresh. Like it’s a new thing that I haven’t experienced yet. And as I’ve looked at all these pictures (that I seek out, by the way, because I really do like to see them) of friends with newborns babies, babies that would be Tobi’s exact age, and pictures of the older siblings studying their new baby brother/sister, I’ve come to realize that it’s because I fully see how different our life looks to what it should look like through seeing these pictures. Tobi should be smiling now like that little girlie is in that picture. Carey should be posting pictures of me laying next to her asleep like that friend is with her baby boy. And now every month that I find that I’m not pregnant and I realize, again, that even if I were pregnant yesterday, Piper will still be an older, older sibling and it will be a long while before I get to hold and smell our own little one again. And y’all, it just hurts. It hurts so bad to realize it over and over again.
I know that the Lord will probably very soon give us another baby and I hope He will give us many, including adopted children. But these last few days I have despaired. I have despaired over Piper still being an only child, over watching her growing fascination with babies, over not being able to be completely happy, with NO sadness or feelings of envy for friends who are pregnant and giving birth. So, I told Him again tonight that Carey and I will take however many and whoever He wants us to have. However many. I wrote it in my prayer journal because I wanted to make the statement not only out loud, but in ink, so that it would always be there to remind me that He is our daddy and He delights to give us what is good for us in the timing that He knows is good for us. I wrote “I ask this of You, my daddy. You know best and I trust You”. I never call Him that but tonight I liked the familiarity of it and of the reminder of how I feel towards my earthly daddy and how I know he feels about me.
And then as I went to close the journal the verse on the top of the page (they wrote a verse on each page in this particular notebook) caught my eye, even though I usually don’t read them anymore.
“Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart.”
Psalm 37:4
I love this verse and He knows it. It’s one of my favorites and one I repeated over and over to myself as I struggled trying to figure out if it was the Lord’s will for me to have a VBAC or not with Tobi. I decided to go back and read the whole of Psalm 37 because I’ve always loved so much of that particular Psalm. After I read it, I absentmindedly flipped through the subsequent chapters and my attention caught on Psalm 40:5 where I had highlighted “I desire to do your will”. I went back to start at the beginning and here’s what the Lord finally answered to my despair...
“I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and He turned to me and heard my cry”
Thank You, Lord that You say You’ve heard my crying.
“He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along”
Thank You that Your grace won’t allow me to sink in this quick sand of sadness. You give me You, Jesus, as my solid ground to set my feet on; to walk steady and sure along.
“He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what He has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in the Lord.”
You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth (OT symbol of mourning) and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to You and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will praise you forever. ...Forever, Lord.
“OH, the joys of those who trust the Lord, who have no confidence in the proud or in those who worship idols.”
Thank You that because of these hard things, I know the joy of trusting no one but You. You cause me to put no confidence in anything or anyone but You, oh my faithful Abba.
"Oh Lord my God, You have performed many wonders for us. Your plans for us are too numerous to list. You have no equal. If I tried to recite all Your wonderful deeds, I would never come to the end of them.”
Your plans are too numerous to list. You have no equal. If I tried to tell of Your wonderful deeds, I would never, NEVER come to the end of them but let me never stop reciting them anyway.
“You take no delight in sacrifices or offerings. Now that you have made me listen, I finally understand - You don’t require burnt offerings or sin offerings. Then I said, “Look, I have come. As is written about me in the Scriptures: I take joy in doing Your will, my God, for your instructions are written on my heart.'”
You don’t desire ritual and religion from me, but devotion and obedience with a joyful heart. Now that You have made me listen, I do finally understand. And because You made me understand, I have great joy in doing Your will. Your instructions are wonderful and Your word is life to me. Thank You that if not for Your grace, I would still not understand.
“I have told all Your people about Your justice. I have not been afraid to speak out, as You, O Lord, well know. I have not kept the good news of Your justice hidden in my heart. I have talked about Your faithfulness and saving power. I have told everyone in the great assembly of Your unfailing love and faithfulness.”
I will not keep silent, Lord. I will tell everyone in the great assembly of Your unfailing love and faithfulness. I will wait patiently for You and "repeatedly shout 'The Lord is great!’"
He answers even when we don’t know what we despair over. So listen carefully, and He will tell You what You should do.
Grace - Kindness from God that we do not deserve.
Bevin, I can't imagine that anyone would think of this as just seeking attention. As someone who experienced almost exactly what you've experienced I hear everything you're saying. For us it was 1977. We had a 4-year-old Shannon and lost a baby girl born too soon to survive in that day and time (today, she would have likely made it). Jim and I know the pain that makes even breathing difficult for a long time. What I can verify for you is that God is as faithful as you now believe he is. Only our amazing Creator and lover of our souls could take something so painful, something meant for our destruction and turn it around into something so beautiful and something which, instead of destroying us, builds us up and makes us stronger than evil can comprehend. Even 35 years later our little girl has a place in our hearts that is so tender and deep I cannot explain it. She, along with the two we were blessed to raise here on earth is deeply a part of our lives. One year and 10 days after we lost her, I gave birth to Melissa who has given us Morgan (14); Kate (12); Tara (10); and Debra (3). Through her big sister, God has blessed us with Elijah James (4) and his two big brothers Daniel (16) and David Patrik (12) who entered our family when Shannon married Patrik. The pain never completely goes away. Even this many years later there are times when the tears flow for her loss. But God has made that pain a sweetness, not a bitterness and it is life-giving instead of life-taking. And, always, there is that wonderful knowledge that she is waiting for us in heaven---waiting for a wondrous reunion. She waits there with our mothers, grandparents and countless numbers of our ancestors who went before us. Also waiting is Melissa & Greg's son, Brennan James, who they lost in 2005. Heaven is looking sweeter and sweeter. I want to live every single day God has set for my life, but when the time comes I will run to greet them! I pray for you and I know you and Carey are finding your way and I know God will Bless and Keep you. Just know that often Heaven receives whispered prayers from all of us who have experienced this grief that God will continue to hold all of you in his arms. We know he will because he is still holding us close so many, many years later. "You whom I have upheld since you were conceived, and have carried since your birth. Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you." Isaiah 46:3 & 4----NIV (From Becky Byous, formerly of Southside Baptist--I remember you as a little girl!)
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