You were there

Around September last year I began seriously thinking about asking my OB at the time if I could try for a VBAC. I had a c-section with Piper, not because it was medically necessary, but because it was just quicker, I was afraid and basically just stupid for not weighing my options more seriously. I went in for my first visit around 10 weeks and asked her if she would let me try a VBAC with Tobi. Afterwards, I went home pretty certain that she really didn't intend to let me try even though she said we "could see". I had already felt like I should begin searching for a new OB when I found out I was pregnant because of some other issues that were unrelated to the doctor. And so after I left the office that day I determined that I would begin praying that if I was to move, that the Lord would make it very clear and that He would tell me what OB to change over to. A fews days later, I had an appointment with Dr. Crute at Memorial for my 16 week visit because He had told me I was to go to her.

As a side note - I hope I never forget to ask of the Lord's opinion for who takes care of our medical needs from here on because I could never have picked on my own a doctor and an office full of people who seem to care more for the patients they see. He showed Himself to be the God who cares about our inquiring of Him in even the smallest details of life.

Anyway, Dr. Crute saw me and said that she would be fine with pursuing a VBAC as long as everything continued as they were. I was so happy with even just the possibility of having one and couldn't understand why because I honestly enjoyed my c-section with Piper. It was totally trauma free and the recovery was actually pretty easy and quick. I was ok with the idea of having another c-section but I was concerned because Carey and I had decided that we wanted to have a fairly big family. I had asked my original OB how dangerous it was to keep having repeat c-sections 3, 4, maybe even 5 times. She had even acknowledged that it did become risky the more c-sections you had and Dr. Crute seemed to agree with me that if I wanted to pursue a VBAC for that reason that it was a good reason to pursue it.

So I began asking the Lord to change my desires to be what He wanted for me. My logic was that He knows the future, how many children He will give us, how risky multiple c-sections really are to me specifically, and so on. "Delight yourselves in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." I would repeat that verse to Him throughout the whole pregnancy and say that if my desires in this thing didn't line up with His will, to change them to be what He willed. I struggled through the last 6 months of wanting a VBAC one minute and then the next just wanting what was familiar in a c-section. I was afraid of the risks of a VBAC and the possibility that I might labor for hours and then still have to have a c-section. I thought about every possible detail of both situation so many times I began feeling like I was going to drive myself and Carey crazy towards the end.

The Lord has shown so much of His goodness to me these last couple years and through all of this I kept telling Him that if He gave me a specific word of which direction He wanted me to take, that I would put my faith wholeheartedly in that promise from Him. I had learned from Him earlier that year that Abraham's belief in God's promise was credited to him as righteousness because he had a specific promise from the Lord about having a son. The Lord is pleased by our faith when we hear or know a promise from Him and we simply believe it, no matter what the situation looks like to contrary. So I decided that I would continue seeking a specific promise for Tobi's delivery to put my full weight of trust in.

For 6 months I asked the Lord to change my desires if they didn't line up with His will. For 6 months I struggled with and then surrendered my will to His over and over and each time I left the struggle with the same strong desire to have a VBAC.

Towards the end, Tobi began showing up on the ultrasounds as being about two weeks bigger than what was average. The last couple ultrasounds she was measuring in, I think, the 75th percentile, and we were concerned that it was going to be a simple matter of her being too big for me to have a successful VBAC.

But again, I wrestled... I pursued Him and each time I felt the calm of Him continuing to say to pursue a VBAC. I figured that the God who parted the sea could most definitely cause things to work out in the end, no matter what her size or anything else said otherwise.

Then she didn't come at 40 weeks and I wasn't progressing in any way. She was still head down but she was very high and they didn't want me going past 41 weeks. So I went in the Thursday before Mother's day and Dr. Crute had Julie, her nurse and my friend, go ahead and schedule my c-section for the following Tuesday - right at my 41 week mark. She encouraged me that I might still go into labor on my own but that we needed to go ahead and deliver her via c-section if she didn't come by Tuesday.

So I went home and fought the hardest spiritual battle I had up to that point. I was miserable for all the rest of Thursday and Friday because I felt as though I suddenly had no way of knowing what to believe or how to proceed in praying and believing what I thought He had been telling me. Saturday morning came and Carey suggested I get out by myself for a while to try to de-stress, so I left out to go to Target for some last minute baby needs and decorations for her still not completed nursery.

I rode the entire 30 minutes listening to Kari Jobe songs and seeking the Lord on all of it. At that point I wanted a VBAC so badly but He had a few days before said inaudibly but almost in an audible voice "do you trust Me enough to give Me all your desires even if You don't know what the outcome will be?" I was dumbfounded by the fact that now He wanted me to hand over my strongest desires that I had wrestled with so much and trust Him, even if He never told me what path He would lead me down.  

That day I drove and sang to Him, "Jesus, lover of my soul. All consuming fire is in Your gaze. Jesus, I want You to know... I will follow You all of my days. No one else in history is like You and history itself belongs to You. Alpha and Omega, You have loved me. And I will share Eternity with You. It's all about You, Jesus, and all this is for You, for your Glory and Your fame. It's not about me, as if You should do things my way. You alone are God and I surrender to Your ways."

I cried as I struggled to surrender and finally I sang with all my heart "It's not about me, as if You should do things my way. You alone are God and I surrender to Your ways" and for the first time in those 6 months, I surrendered fully my desires to Him, trusting Him to work His "good, pleasing and perfect will" out regardless of whether I knew what to pray for specifically or not. Regardless of whether I knew what to trust Him for specifically. I told Him I knew He was good and that I was choosing to trust Him with my whole heart and its wants. I walked around in Target and for the first time was able to look at baby things and be excited with no thought of how she would get here because no matter what, I told myself, she would be here one way or another in a few days.

And then the devastation of Mother's Day happened and I lay in that bed saying over and over to myself, Carey and even Dr. Crute (who wasn't on call but came in anyway to hug me) that if I hadn't been pursuing a VBAC I would have had a c-section probably a week or two before then and "Tobi would be here now." Despite everybody telling me not to think that way that was something I couldn't stop thinking about.  How could I ever trust Him and obey again after this?  How do I ever come back from this? And through it Jesus comforted me.  That's all I know to say about it… He comforted me because He understand everything I feel because He was as I am.

Then one day during the darkest times I've had so far, I lay on the couch and told the Lord that I didn't know how I would ever be able to trust and have faith again. I had obeyed Him in every way I knew how and I was now laying at home wanting to go to sleep and never wake up because my Tobi Ruth was gone and I would never know her as my baby doll here on earth and I was afraid of what He was going to do next.

And as I cried telling Him this, the words "He determines our days" flashed in my head. I googled it and found out it was Job 14:5 "Man's days are determined; You have decreed the number of his months and have set limits he cannot exceed."

..He sets limits man cannot exceed...

I listened as He told me that He determines the number of our days and that the limit of Tobi's days was May 11th. He led my thoughts to realized that He had me pursue a VBAC all those months because if I had not sought Him out or had decided to go my own way, I would have delivered her a week or two before, she would have come home with us… Piper would have loved on her, gotten attached to her and then at some point on May 11th, I would have gone to see about her and found a lifeless little girl. She would have likely been labeled a SIDS baby and we would have had the added grief and trauma of trying to help Piper understand what happened to the little sister she had gotten so attached to. Carey and I would probably have tortured ourselves over what we could have done differently or what might have caused her to suddenly just die for no apparent reason.

As I lay there thinking through this new thought, the Lord told me to remember that in every difficulty of life to look for how He has been merciful. He told me to remember that so that I could tell it to someone else when they're going through a hard time. "Look for how I've been merciful. And if You can't see, then ask Me to show You", He said. He chose the most gentle way possible for Tobi to go because He is compassionate. Tobi's life's purpose was best served in the days He had determined for her and because He helped me to obey Him, we were spared unimaginable grief beyond what we have gone through.

I would never, never have chosen this if I had had a say in the matter but I can now say that I would never change things. I will always miss and ache for Tobi while I'm here on earth. I've decided that the loss of a child is like living with chronic pain. You get so used to the constant hurt that you don't notice it until something random makes you aware of it. I am always aching but the Lord has been gracious to let me have joy again. And this joy is a new joy that I've never known before. I would never change things because this has let me see the compassion of God that I've always spoken of but never really understood for myself. It has let me know Jesus in ways that I couldn't do justice to in words. It has shown me how He blesses us with joy, peace and even happiness, even in great pain, when we obey and simply just trust Him. He gives me the ability to sing to Him a new song that I've never been able to sing before. He tells me "Come rest in me and be made whole" and I find that I am whole for the first time.

I miss her, Lord. I ache for a house full of children. I want a little sister or brother for Piper right now… this very minute.  But I trust You. You make all things right.

"So there he stood upon that hill

Abraham with knife in hand was poised to kill

But God in all his sovereignty had bigger plans

And just in time, You brought a lamb

You were there,

You were there

In the midst of the unclear

You were there, you were there always

You were there when obedience

Seemed to not make sense

You were there, You were always there

You were always there

So haven't I learned that my ways

Aren't as high as Yours are

And You alone keep the universe

From crumbling into dust

You are God and though we would

Not have understood You

There You were

Hanging blameless on a cross

You would rather die than leave us in the dark

Every moment, every planned coincidence

Just all makes sense

With Your last breath

You were there, You were there

During history's darkest hour

You were there, You were there always

You were the Victor and the King

You were the power in David's swing

You were the calm in Abraham

You are the God who understands

You are the strength when we have none

You are the living, Holy one

You were, You are and You will always be

the Risen Lamb of God!"