Singing

Every once in a while I get down and out feeling for no reason.   It doesn't happen often, but when it does, I write about it.  So just FYI, I'm not always as burdened as I may seem from just this little blog.

That being said, tonight was one of those "every once in a while's". I won't go into why or what caused it because it doesn't matter and I'm gonna try to be better about not being so long winded in these posts.

As I got out of the shower just now Kari Jobe's song "My beloved" was on.  I've listened to it loads of times and I like the sentiment behind it but it's not my favorite.  Lately I mostly like to listen to songs that speak about who the Lord is rather than songs centered around what He is in relation to me, if that makes sense.  Nothing wrong with those kinds of songs, it's just my current preference.  Anyway...

She sang "You're My beloved, you're My bride, to sing over you is My delight" and the Lord put a picture in my head.

Before I leave Piper's room each night she wants me to sing a song I made up for her when she was a baby.   It's a simple little nothing song but she loves it because of the same reasons we all love songs our mother's sang to us.  It's comfort and love and safety to us as children and I love to sing it to her because I can watch her little face register all these good feelings.

As He made this picture play in my mind - me leaned over Piper singing her song to her - He said to me "to sing over you is My delight" and He showed me Him leaned over me with His lips pressed to my cheek as I do with Piper.

Though we're not worthy, we are the beloved of the one true God who is love.  He is always singing over us His song of peace.  He desires that we cast all our cares down at His feet and as the song says, He then beckons to us "come away with me, My love."

As is the way it always goes, I'm not down and out anymore.   I wanted to share this picture that I will never forget with you, so that maybe you will also be overwhelmed by the tenderness of His love for His children.

Go away with Him.  There is nothing like it.

"For the Lord your God is living among you.  He is a mighty savior.  He will take delight in you with gladness. With His love, He will calm all your fears.  He will rejoice over you with joyful songs."

Zephaniah 3:17

When Jesus stands in your way

Lately I’ve been letting myself think about the day in the hospital that we found out Tobi died.   Until now I haven’t been able to dwell on it much because it still causes so much sadness.  I have had to fight bitter disappointment and jealousy when I think of it.  We went in after I had been contracting for 4 or 5 hours and I can’t explain how excited I was that I might be able to experience some of true labor.  I know how silly that may sound to most… but if you spend 9 months thinking on how much you want to be an active participant in giving birth, all while being told it probably won’t happen (because of it a being VBAC) you would be excited too when it looks like, right at the last minute, that you might get what you’ve been longing for from the deepest parts of you for almost a year.  

If you are one of the mothers who has been able to give birth, epidural or not.. if you have been able to go to the hospital contracting.. if you got to experience your water breaking on its own and the rush of having everybody expecting YOU to do all the work, please know what a great blessing that is.  So many would give a lot to experience even just a small bit of any of those things.  Not trying to preach, just thought I'd say that while I'm at it.

That day I went in knowing that I may get to the hospital and not be dilated at all.  I knew I might get there and have them tell me that I’m contracting but nothing else is happening.  When you’re trying for a VBAC they have very little options in the way of getting you to dilate.  Apparently, even the few options they do have to force your body to dilate most times doesn’t ultimately work and you still have to go for a c-section. I knew all these things and only just the day before had finally and joyfully accepted that that very well may be what would happen in the end.  

But as I put on the gown and got up in the bed, all I could think on was how my chest was so tight from the excitement and anticipation of finding out if I was dilated. As the nurse hooked me up to the monitor, this was what I thought about and nothing else.  I still feel the excitement as I type this.  I looked down at my huge stomach (she was almost 10lbs) as she strapped the monitor to me and thought, “here we go, girlie.”

And then she couldn’t find the heartbeat.  And then another nurse couldn’t find the heartbeat. And then they sent for a resident doctor to bring the ultrasound to check and as this doctor searched and I noticed that I couldn’t see a little beating heart where I thought it ought to be, I began to deny the voice in my head that was saying “get ready”.  

Have you ever experienced this knowing but not wanting to hear it?  It’s horrible, isn’t it?  And as this doctor spoke very slowly and deliberately, Carey grabbed hold of my hand and I knew he was worrying the same thing. My heart went numb. She said that they were going to get the on call OB but that if he couldn’t find anything that it “appears she’s passed” and I looked at Carey for the first time through all of it… I’ll never forget the look on his face.   He stood to gather me up and all I could do was feel detachment from what was happening.  

When that awful first wave of grief in the form of denial came, I couldn’t cry.  I remember one of the first things I said into his shoulder was “Oh God!”. I wondered as I heard myself say it over and over and heard all of the staff scrambling to leave the room, if they thought I was just saying it like one would say oh my gosh. I was vaguely aware of being worried about that because I have never said this phrase before but in this case, my exclamation was literally “Oh God, where are you?”  As I began to repeat this over and over, I found myself going through the awful process of trying to deny this was happening, thinking, "surely this is just a dream”.  But then I would find my hand being held by a nurse who was just there to cry with me and realize, again, I wasn’t a dream at all.  

From the moment they said she was gone til a day or two after we got home, I didn't speak an intentional prayer to the Lord.  I didn’t pray or take it to Him.  I would think things like, “He’s going to bring her back from the dead.  Surely that’s what He’s doing.”  Or I would say to Carey and daddy, “How is this not meaningless?!”  I would think about Him, but it was as if the God who pretty much always feels near to me was suddenly far, far away from my sorrows.   They began to ask me questions in preparing me for my c-section and I would get more and more disconnected from the Lord in my heart and mind.  I didn’t know this at the time… there was no room in me to examine what I was going through but I look back on it now and see that’s what was happening.  

At that point, it was all still so new that no one but Daddy was there.  My daddy is the type of daddy who hears this kind of horrible news and leaves the house before the phone has even been hung up.  Before the whole story has even been told.  So, he was there for a while before everyone else got there. And all me and Carey and him could do was sit and cry as they prepared me for surgery.  And looking back on it, in those moments I see I could’ve cared less about talking to the Lord.

And then Chris walked through the door.  She came straight to us, laid her hand on me and began to pray to the Father she has tasted and seen is good in all circumstances, including death and all sorts of horrors.  I can’t remember any of what she said except the first part of the prayer.  She began praying by telling Jesus who she knew He is.   She was so quite and so reverent as she spoke to Him and I found myself closing my eyes and wanting to go to sleep to the sound of the peace in her voice.  She called Him “the man of sorrows” and I began to cry in a new kind of way.

Some of you may think I’m crazy or that I’m making this next part up and there is no way for me to prove to you otherwise.  All I know to do is just tell you what I saw and hope the Lord gives you the ability to hear and believe one of the things He does for us when we’re so broken we can’t even think.   

The moment she called Him the man of sorrows, I saw Jesus.  My eyes were closed and I saw what you see when you close your eyes - the backs of your eyelids.  But I also saw the head of a Man appear in my vision with my eyelids still in the background and He was so close in my sight that it seemed He was pressing His forehead to mine.  Like when Dr. Crute came up later and she wanted me to look her in the eyes so she put her face so close to mine her nose was almost touching mine.  All I could see was His head, He was so close to me.  I couldn’t see His face beause there was a light shining behind Him that shone through His hair but darkened His face so that I couldn’t make it out.  He didn’t say a word but in that moment, as I was unknowingly traveling down the path of resentment and bitterness that I believe would have caused me to turn away from Him in my anger, the Man of many sorrows stepped in my path and put His forehead to mine and made me know Him in a way I've never known Him before.  He showed me how He was grieving with me, in the same way that I saw Dr. Crute grieving with me when she put her face to mine later on that night.  I look back on myself while Chris prayed and I see myself (spiritually and emotionally) with a head bowed under the weight of the greatest grief I’ve ever known.  I could not, in my own strength, lift my head to see anything but the great darkness that had settled on me.    

But this Man of sorrows is better equipped than anyone to help "the fallen and lift those bent beneath their loads.” This is where Grace began in this new season of my life.  He could have left me alone.  I wasn’t seeking Him out.  He could have let me continue on in my despair until I had dishonored His holy name by saying He just plays games with us. He could have let me keep walking that path and then face so much bitter regret afterwards when I had come out of the season of grief and saw on the other side that He had been faithful.  But instead of allowing me to get what I really do deserve - shame, regret, months or years of depression and fighting fear - He came to me as I struck out on my own sinful road, took His finger and lifted my chin so I would look at Him. He put His forehead to mine and sat with me while I grieved the life of a little girl I would have died to save.  

This is Jesus, friends.  

“He was despised and rejected - a man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief.  We turned our backs on Him and looked the other way.  He was despised, and we did not care.  Yet it was our weakness He carried; it was OUR sorrows that weighed Him down… But He was pierced for our rebellion, crushed for our sins.  He was beaten so we could be whole. He was whipped so we could be healed.  All of us, like sheep, have strayed away. We have left God’s paths to follow our own.  Yet the Lord laid on Him the sins of us all…  But it was the Lord’s good plan to crush Him and cause Him grief.  Yet when His life is made an offering for sin, He will have many descendants. He will enjoy a long life, and the Lord’s good plan will prosper in His hands.”

Isaiah 53:3-10

It was the Father’s good plan to crush Him and cause Him grief, because it allowed us to finally be made whole and right with Him again as sons and daughters through Jesus sacrifice.  

This is the God of the Bible.  This is the Great God of history that shows Himself over and over to be Jehovah Shalom - the Lord our peace.   This is what makes Jesus different than every other false god out there.  He took up our grief so that when we suffer trails of any kind we can take His yoke and let Him teach us, because He is humble and gentle at heart and because He understands.  He knows.  He gives us rest for our souls that we cannot find any other way in this life.  In the place of the heavy burden of our present troubles that bends us low to the ground until we almost break, He gives us His burden that is easy to bear. He gives us a burden that is light, mild, manageable and even pleasant.    

He gives us joy in the greatest sorrow of our lives and speaks through us the words that bless His name and let us know the joy, above all other joys, that He is pleased with us.  

"Not to us, Lord, not us, but to Your name goes all the glory for your unfailing love and faithfulness.  Why let the nations say, “Where is their God?”  Our God is in the heavens, and He does as He wishes.”

Psalm 115:1-3 

In Your name

"Many will say to Me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in Your name, and in Your name cast out demons, and in Your name perform many miracles?' "And then I will declare to them, 'I never knew you; depart from Me, you who practice lawlessness.’ 

Matthew 7:22-23

These people are able to cast out demons and perform many miracles and yet He says He never knew them. How is that even possible? I have asked the Lord this question so many times these last few years. If I’m honest, this has been a verse that has been so discouraging to me. How can anyone be certain of their salvation if even those who can cast out demons be unsaved in the end? 

But He has answered me and this is now one of the most encouraging verses in the whole Bible to me.

Three times He says “in Your name”. In His name they did all these things and yet He says He never knew them and sends them away from Him in judgement.

Jesus' name is so powerful that even those unknown to Him, "who practice lawlessness” can perform miracles. The demons have to flee when they speak His name, not because of anything that person is, but because even demons tremble in fear at just the mention of His name.

I have prayed things all my life “in Jesus name” while entertaining thoughts of doubt of His power and ultimate control over all things. I have prayed for Jesus to open loved ones eyes to Him and cause them to finally, truly live, all while doubting that He can really move in these who seem so stubborn in their unbelief.  I have despaired even while praying "in His name" over fellow believers who are struggling with issues that keep them defeated and discouraged.

No... it just won’t do. Not anymore. I see now. 

“There is not a square inch in the whole domain of our human existence over which Christ, who is Sovereign over all, does not cry: 'Mine!’” Jesus reigns in all things. And even speaking His name unleashes His might and power and goodness and life giving light in this dark world. I wonder how much more victorious the Church would be if we would grab hold of this truth and live our lives through this filter.

And so I say --- Jesus… Jesus... Jesus! Come, Lord Jesus. Teach us to take hold of the authority You were pleased to give us so that we can take back these things that the enemy has stolen. For Your glory and Your pleasure. You deserve so much more than we could ever give and yet You are pleased with us anyway.

Thank You, Jesus.

Then I heard the Lord asking, "Whom should I send as a messenger to this people? Who will go for us?" I said, "Here I am. Send me."   Isaiah 6:8

Grace

I have a confession to make that will probably not surprise anyone.   These last 2 weeks I have had moments of despairing over losing Tobi that I haven’t felt since right after she died.  

I have celebrated and looked at baby pictures of friends who were pregnant at the same time as me. Some who were many months behind me are now having their babies.  I look at the pictures of their babies and I ache at realizing the favor the Lord gives us in allowing us to give birth and raise up children.  Just like He delights in giving us marriage so we would not be alone but to be unified in our cause for following Him, He also delights in giving us children.  I think a lot since Tobi died on how little I thank Him that He is so good that He delights in giving us such gifts.  (Oh how we should train ourselves to stop in our complaining about them and think more and more on what a great and wonderful God we serve that allows us to not be alone but be husbands and wives and mama’s and daddy’s.)   

But while I am so happy to see the pictures of these children that He loves being born one right after another to mama’s and daddy’s that He loves equally as much, I find myself having to turn away and not look at them for too long.  Even now, just writing about this makes my heart feel so swollen and bruised that I feel it might cut off my breathing.  

I worry a lot lately that everyone is tired of hearing me talk about this.  I worry that people read my statuses with Bible verses about sorrow and suffering and how He restores our joy and roll their eyes thinking, “Here she goes again.  Come on, Bevin… now you're just looking for attention.”  I hope this isn’t the case and honestly, even it if I knew for certain it is what everyone thinks, I still would write it.  I still would talk about it.  I believe that He’s allowed this with Tobi so that maybe even just 1 of His lost sheep would hear my testimony of His faithfulness and strength and would follow Him back to the 99.  Maybe that won’t happen, but I can’t make myself be quiet.  He has been too good.  It just won't do to be silent. 

When I’ve come to those moments of great sadness these last couple months, I have found that for me, speaking about His goodness makes me feel joy in the midst of my sorrow that I can’t explain to someone who doesn’t know it for themselves. It actually seems to me like it’s my antidote for sorrow - to speak of who He is.  I have overflowed with messages from Him, some that I’ve written on this blog because HE told me what to write.  I've made it a rule to wait on a message from Him before I write so that they're easy and quick to write. It doesn’t take a lot of deleting and tedious rewording because it just… flows out.  But these last couple weeks He has remained silent and has not given me any kind of message about this new thing I’m feeling.  He has given me words about other things.  Things I should be praying for for others who are going through completely different kinds of hard times at the moment.  

These last few days, I’ve found myself wondering when I'd cry til my eyes were swollen why it felt so fresh again. 

No, not even "again"… it just feel fresh. Like it’s a new thing that I haven’t experienced yet.  And as I’ve looked at all these pictures (that I seek out, by the way, because I really do like to see them) of friends with newborns babies, babies that would be Tobi’s exact age, and pictures of the older siblings studying their new baby brother/sister, I’ve come to realize that it’s because I fully see how different our life looks to what it should look like through seeing these pictures.  Tobi should be smiling now like that little girlie is in that picture.  Carey should be posting pictures of me laying next to her asleep like that friend is with her baby boy.  And now every month that I find that I’m not pregnant and I realize, again, that even if I were pregnant yesterday, Piper will still be an older, older sibling and it will be a long while before I get to hold and smell our own little one again.  And y’all, it just hurts.  It hurts so bad to realize it over and over again. 

I know that the Lord will probably very soon give us another baby and I hope He will give us many, including adopted children. But these last few days I have despaired. I have despaired over Piper still being an only child, over watching her growing fascination with babies, over not being able to be completely happy, with NO sadness or feelings of envy for friends who are pregnant and giving birth. So, I told Him again tonight that Carey and I will take however many and whoever He wants us to have.  However many.  I wrote it in my prayer journal because I wanted to make the statement not only out loud, but in ink, so that it would always be there to remind me that He is our daddy and He delights to give us what is good for us in the timing that He knows is good for us.  I wrote “I ask this of You, my daddy.  You know best and I trust You”.  I never call Him that but tonight I liked the familiarity of it and of the reminder of how I feel towards my earthly daddy and how I know he feels about me.

And then as I went to close the journal the verse on the top of the page (they wrote a verse on each page in this particular notebook) caught my eye, even though I usually don’t read them anymore.  

“Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart.”  

Psalm 37:4

 I love this verse and He knows it.  It’s one of my favorites and one I repeated over and over to myself as I struggled trying to figure out if it was the Lord’s will for me to have a VBAC or not with Tobi. I decided to go back and read the whole of Psalm 37 because I’ve always loved so much of that particular Psalm.  After I read it, I absentmindedly flipped through the subsequent chapters and my attention caught on Psalm 40:5 where I had highlighted “I desire to do your will”.   I went back to start at the beginning and here’s what the Lord finally answered to my despair...

“I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and He turned to me and heard my cry”  

 Thank You, Lord that You say You’ve heard my crying.

“He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along”  

Thank You that Your grace won’t allow me to sink in this quick sand of sadness.  You give me You, Jesus, as my solid ground to set my feet on; to walk steady and sure along. 

“He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what He has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in the Lord.”  

You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth (OT symbol of mourning) and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to You and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will praise you forever.  ...Forever, Lord.

“OH, the joys of those who trust the Lord, who have no confidence in the proud or in those who worship idols.”

Thank You that because of these hard things, I know the joy of trusting no one but You. You cause me to put no confidence in anything or anyone but You, oh my faithful Abba.

"Oh Lord my God, You have performed many wonders for us. Your plans for us are too numerous to list. You have no equal. If I tried to recite all Your wonderful deeds, I would never come to the end of them.” 

Your plans are too numerous to list.  You have no equal.  If I tried to tell of Your wonderful deeds, I would never, NEVER come to the end of them but let me never stop reciting them anyway.

“You take no delight in sacrifices or offerings. Now that you have made me listen, I finally understand - You don’t require burnt offerings or sin offerings. Then I said, “Look, I have come. As is written about me in the Scriptures: I take joy in doing Your will, my God, for your instructions are written on my heart.'”  

You don’t desire ritual and religion from me, but devotion and obedience with a joyful heart. Now that You have made me listen, I do finally understand.  And because You made me understand, I have great joy in doing Your will.   Your instructions are wonderful and Your word is life to me.  Thank You that if not for Your grace, I would still not understand.

“I have told all Your people about Your justice. I have not been afraid to speak out, as You, O Lord, well know. I have not kept the good news of Your justice hidden in my heart. I have talked about Your faithfulness and saving power. I have told everyone in the great assembly of Your unfailing love and faithfulness.”  

I will not keep silent, Lord.  I will tell everyone in the great assembly of Your unfailing love and faithfulness. I will wait patiently for You and "repeatedly shout 'The Lord is great!’"

He answers even when we don’t know what we despair over.  So listen carefully, and He will tell You what You should do.

Grace -  Kindness from God that we do not deserve.