Another battle cry

I didn't expect going to Disney to hurt so much. I knew to expect some pain just not the amount I've experienced today. 

Because I'm wired to enjoy the anticipation of something as much as the actual thing itself I've imagined and planned this first trip after her being born down to very small, silly details.  I had a plan for how I would care for both of them from the front seat on the drive down since sitting in the back to entertain would no longer be an option.  But instead that seat remained empty, apart from pillows and random things thrown on it.  Piper doesn't even need me for entertainment anymore because she has reached that wonderful age that coloring, reading and pretending is fun to her.

I had a plan to mostly keep Tobi in a sling and would rely heavily on Carey to keep up with Piper now that she is old enough to walk a bit more.  I imagined how proud I would be of Piper as she sat in the stroller  next to Tobi and tried to help out.  I've pretended and imagined so many times with her in the last 6 months about how Tobi would cry a lot but that she could rub her stomach and say "it's okay Tobi. It's ok. Piper's right here" and how much that would be a help to me. But instead I walked with my arms completely free most of the day. I watched as Piper climbed in and out of her same single stroller like such a big girl. 

I bought a couple dresses this week and was so excited to see how "little" I was and how well they seemed to fit.  But then today I passed a mirror and saw my still need to lose a good bit of weight and still a bit swollen from a c-section stomach poking through that dress and had a moment of awful realization. The reason I was so happy with how I looked at home was because some how in my mind I still think of myself as pregnant.  I still expect to see a stomach that is home to an overdue 9 1/2 lbs.  Instead I see a stomach that looks only about 6 months pregnant, my favorite time during pregnancy, when I'm still small-ish and things still fit comfortably. And so today when that moment of realization came, a part of me experienced a slightly new kind of pain because I realized there was still a part of me that is trying to deny that this last month has really happened.  As well as I now seem to do from day to day, I realized in that moment that everybody was right.  That it will take a long time to totally recover from this. And if I'm honest, that understanding makes me want to punch somebody in the face.

I want it to be over. I want to wake up tomorrow and not feel that ache the moment my mind wakes up enough to remember that Tobi's not here anymore. I want be able to remember her face and look at her pictures and not feel like my insides are coming unglued.  I want to be pregnant right now, moving again towards the finish instead of not even being anywhere near the starting line.

We've had this Disney trip unofficially planned for the last 3 months. It was going to be part of Piper's birthday celebration.  And for the last three months we've told her every time she asked when we were going that we had to wait on Tobi to come so I could ride Goofy's barnstormer with her (a kids roller coaster I couldn't ride because I was pregnant).  We told her we had to wait on Tobi so she could celebrate her birthday with us. And now for the last 4 weeks, each time Piper asked about going to Disney she would follow it up by saying "…and Tobi and Jesus are coming?" because we explained that Jesus took Tobi to live with Him instead of with us like we thought. She has accepted that explanation without many more questions but we are able to tell that she is still very bothered and confused by where Tobi is now that she's obviously not in my stomach anymore. This afternoon she was asking me about going to Magic Kingdom to ride Goofy's Barnstormer and after a minute of thinking she said "and we gonna see Tobi there?".  

…And I want to never feel that again.  I want to not have to try to figure out a way to help my 3 year old understand that Tobi is gone and we won't ever be able to see her here on earth.  I want to see her be able to accept it and not struggle on and on about why what we said was gonna happen hasn't happened.  

I want my incision to stop hurting so that I'm not constantly reminded that I had a baby a month ago. I want the panic of thinking, just for a second, "Where is she?! Where did I leave her?" to stop every time I remember I'm still recovering from her delivery.

I want to not feel such incredible envy over everyone else who hasn't experienced this particular kind of loss. I want to not see the pictures of their beautiful babies and their 3rd trimester selflies and think "I'll never be that carefree again".  I want to not worry over how we'll be able to enjoy the anticipation during the next pregnancy. I want to not dread the "waiting on the other shoe to drop" feeling I know I'll have to constantly bring before the Lord. It's my nature to always be looking for joy in things.. to look for the good things in the day... to expect the best from a situation. I want to not feel like there is a constant fight going on between that now old feeling nature and this new nature that worries about what plans we'll make that will never come to be. What new tragedy that will happen when we least expect it.

I want the Lord to make it all better. To speak the words and make the pain stop, cause a baby to be forming in me right now, make us have hope because we know exactly when and what good things are coming.  I've said it over and over to Him these last few days and every time I'm reminded that that's not how He works usually.  We learn great things through bringing our pain to Him every time we feel it. We learn patience in a way we wouldn't otherwise in waiting for the thing we desire most.  We learn best that only when we put our hope in Him and only Him, not the things we think we understand will happen, are we never disappointed. 

Jesus tells us not to worry about tomorrow. He has designed things so that we need to take it day by day, moment by moment. My sister in law, Chris, told us of a situation where, when she wanted to think the worst was going to happen, she chose to say over and over to Him "I trust You. I trust You".   And so this has become my other battle cry.  When all of me wants to yell and scream how incredibly unfair this all seems, I remember her advice to chose to trust Him. 

Yesterday and today, the Holy Spirit keeps repeating the verse "You hem me in - behind and before; You have laid Your hand upon me" in my mind like a song that gets stuck in your head and you can't get out.  I've never really thought about what that means.. "You hem me in".  Another translation says "You are all around me. You are behind me and in front of me". A commentary I found written by Charles Spurgeon describes it like "a prisoner marching along surrounded by a guard, and gripped by an officer".  

He reminds me in this that I cannot escape His presence. He is here when I am trusting and faithful. He is here when I am sinfully, arrogantly angry. He is here when I feel so alone and wonder desperately where He has gone. He is here and not only that, He has laid His hand upon me.  I cannot escape Him.

So forgive me, Lord, for being such an unfaithful, untrusting wretch. I know that good only come from me when You, Holy Spirit, bring it forth. I am a slave that You bought at a great price, but You are a patient and loving Master, Lord. You let me feel and know Your great compassion for my pain. You are the source and giver of true hope and You give it generously when I ask it of You.  

And so I trust You, Lord. 

I trust You.

On the hard days

Today was not a good day. Today I woke dreaming about Tobi.

Most days, I'm alright. I think I almost even act like my old self most days. I have moments of not being ok each day but it's bearable and it doesn't last for too long.

But today I missed Tobi. I miss her as if she were someone I had known my whole life. From the time we decided on her name, around November of last year, we have used it in our normal conversations throughout the day. It was no different than the way we talk about Piper. She was a person and it didn't matter that we hadn't all officially met, she was apart of our lives now. And now there's some days that we don't use her name at all. Some days there's just simply no reason to. There's some days that we go about our life like before...as if the last 9 months never happened. As if a part of Carey and me and Piper isn't missing for as long as we live here on earth.

Today I didn't care about what the good purpose behind it is and who might be impacted by our testimony through it. I wanted Tobi Ruth. I wanted our days to be filled with a newborn schedule, and the chaos of having two small children to see about when I'm running errands by myself. I wanted to know what her pretty little face looks like when she opens her eyes. I wanted to know if her voice is as small and girly as Piper's is. I wanted the memories I can't stop reliving to be replaced with balloons and flowers being brought up by happy faces of friends and family. Today I wasn't satisfied by the thought of future children I hope He will give us soon… I wanted Tobi.

But then tonight, I sat down to write in my prayer journal and to read my Bible like I do almost every single night. I didn't last night. I just decided not to because the time had gotten away from me. But tonight I felt an overwhelming urge to sit and talk to Him for a while and see what He had to say back to me, if anything at all. And I was reminded of a sermon of John Piper's that I listened to recently explaining the text from 2 Corinthians 4:16-18. He explains that what Paul is saying is that it is a renewing of our inner self day by day that keeps us from losing heart.

Day by day... He goes on to say "It means the refreshing, renewing, strength-giving drink you took in the morning that kept you from losing heart must be taken again the next morning — or night or noon. “Re-new” means something runs out. The bucket leaks. The car runs out of gas. The spiritual metabolism of your life feasted on the renewing meal, and now it needs another one." According to Jesus, each day has troubles of its own and therefore each day requires renewal of its own.

And so I sat and poured out my heart to the Lord. And I listened as He reminded me that He lost loved ones while He was here on earth, too. He knows the great sadness that comes with being separated from them in this life. And as Carey pointed out during that first week home, the Lord knows even greater anguish in loss than we do because so many of the ones He loves and died for choose to leave this life still rejecting Him… to go to a place where He will be eternally separated from them, unable to save them anymore.

THIS is the God who hears me when I cry to Him about how much my arms ache for Tobi Ruth.

And then afterwards, I turned on some music and got in the shower and sang to Him about His holiness. And I was again overwhelmed by the knowledge that Almighty God, who makes Himself knowable but also remains mysterious, had not only heard my heart but had answered me back with words of comfort and then led me to sing to Him about Who He is.

...Because He knows that it is the only thing that can make it all right. It is the only thing that makes us whole.

"In and out of situations
That tug-a-war at me
All day long I struggle
For answers that I need
Then I come into His presence
And all my questions become clear
And for a sacred moment
No doubt can interfere...

Through His love the Lord provided
A place for us to rest
A place to find the answers
In hours of distress
Now there's never any reason
For you to give up in despair
Just slip away and breathe His name
He will surely meet you there

In the presence of Jehovah
God Almighty, Prince of Peace
Troubles vanish, hearts are mended
In the presence of the King"