A tale of being admitted to the hospital

I've had some stuff going on the last couple days that made me have to go in to Memorial's L&D floor for monitoring.   Nothing hugely major but still not something to ignore.  

When I got the call from Dr. Crute saying I really did need to go in, I was really afraid.   Like, duh.

At first I was afraid for Tobi but then in a minute I became not afraid for Tobi…  the only way I know to explain that was I just had a distinct sense  that she is fine. I really do think it was the Holy Spirit Who was making feel certain about it.   He lives in me, so He'd know that kinda thing, right? Anyway, the thing I was afraid of was that it would be something wrong with me that would require I be on strict bed rest or even worse, have to be in the hospital for monitoring for a while (or be there the rest of the pregnancy).   I tend to jump to the worst case scenario when worrying and I was so upset thinking that life for Piper would be interrupted and I would't be able to do my mama things for her for a while.   

Honestly, it was such an overwhelming feeling that when I went in my closet to get dressed I almost couldn't catch my breath.    I get like this and it's hard to pray through the thick fog of fear. And definitely to pray in faith, with thanksgiving, that The Lord is absolutely good and absolutely in control. I stood there trying to think and all that came out was "Lord, You allow things like this to happen sometimes, don't You? How do I have peace in this circumstance? What do I hold on to?"    

Friends, before I finished my chaotic prayer He immediately answered back "When I am afraid I will trust in You".  I know that may not seem like I whole lot to anybody but in almost any situation anymore I look for Him to speak directly to me.  I'm unable to feel any peace unless HE speaks to me.  I'm unsatisfied with hearing assurances from friends, family or doctors because we are sinful, foolish people.     BUT if I can hear Him tell me the specific hope I am to cling to in that particular situation I am able to have peace and even joy a lot of the time.  I'm able to preach the message to myself that the Lord has spent the last year proving to me, that He is absolutely good.  He knows that I've spent my entire life as a "Christian" who didn't trust Him because I know He sometimes let's Job go through horrible suffering. I'd ask myself over and over "How can He be good and trustworthy if He allows that?"   

Yes, He allows it sometimes and sometimes, frankly, we bring it on ourselves because we go our own way.   But in this last year of truly following Him through acknowledging the Holy Spirit's presence and depending on Him to even give me the motivation to follow in the first place, He has shown me in big and very small, inconsequential things that HE is absolutely good.   I wish there was another word I could think of to use instead of good because it seems like not enough to describe what He's shown me so far…  I just looked it up and the definition of good is "to be desired".   We constantly desire good things.  We desire to be good ourselves.  

Only God is good in every way, all the time, without fail.  

He knew that I needed Him to show me that before He could begin (just to begin!) to answer how He can be good and allow the terrible things to happen.  

In the midst of thinking of all the unknowns riding to the hospital, I followed this train of thought...  what if the absolute worst thing ended up happening?  What then, Lord?   And He made me recall a Bible study that I did on the Beatitudes.  A girl pointed out that with each thing He wants us to be, He more than fulfills the need that is left there.   

Are you poor in spirit?  He gives you a Kingdom. 

Are you mourning?  He will comfort you.  

Are you hungry and thirsty?  He will fill you up.   

If this is true of Him then whatever He allows to happen He will more than meet the need.  He will fill that void with such blessing.   My responsibility as His follower is to trust and rely on Him.   To acknowledge what He has shown me so far about His character and thank Him for His goodness and faithfulness even when it looks like He isn't. 

Turns out Tobi is perfectly healthy and so am I.   We weren't even held at the hospital for a long time like I thought.  I was in and out in about an hour or so.   As Carey and I drove home eating Baker's Pride donuts (because we deserve a treat, DANGIT)  I sat realizing that, even though I may not know all of why He let us go through that (expensive, might I add) ordeal, I know of one thing.   He has helped me exercise again the muscle of total dependence on Him. He has made me realize that when His people pray (all my family was praying HARD) He hears and He has compassion.   He is even grieved that we give into worry and fear and would have us see His heart in the matter.   It has left me again knowing I can say with all my heart,

"Whom have I in Heaven but You?

And earth has nothing I desire besides You.

My flesh and my heart may fail,

but God is the strength of my heart 

and my portion forever"

...And that when He told us to name her Tobi because it means "Yahweh is good", it's because He wants us to remember it.

The Lord is good and I will never, ever stop saying it.