I miss her.

We have been putting off doing the bills since coming home from the hospital.  Tonight, we finally sat down to do them.  

One of the worst parts about this grief is that everything is a reminder that she is supposed to be here.  May 10th I sat in this same place opening mail and paying bills for the last time before I thought our baby would be home.  Afterwards, I finally bought the double stroller we had been patiently waiting and saving for.  That same time the following night, I lay in the hospital bed and handed my phone to Carey for him to call and leave a message canceling our order for that stroller because I couldn't bare the thought of coming home to it waiting for us.  

We currently have 3 bills due for OB visits and a hospital stay for a little girlie who's supposed to be here in my arms while I sit with Carey laughing at an episode of Top Gear.

We go in a store and I see an ottoman I had been waiting to buy after she was born.  I look down at my ankles as I put my shoes on and think again how little they look now that the swelling is gone and remember I thought the same thing after Piper was born, only this time there's no Tobi in the next room sleeping while I get dressed. I go out to eat with Mama and Piper and realize, again, that the meal should be so much more chaotic than it is. That there should not only be a very squirmy 3 year old but a fussy 3 week old wanting my attention. I open my email and see my weekly subscription from Baby Center saying "Your 2 week old!".

I walk past her room - just the nursery now - every single day, multiple times a day with it being right beside Piper's, and realize again that there won't be a baby in there for a while after all.

I keep thinking, "That's it.  That's the extent of realizing the depth of what we've lost.  There can be no more now." but each day there's some new realization of what was lost when she died. Even this event, the birth of a child… anyone's child... that should be nothing but anticipation of celebration and joy is now just this memory of the doctors words - "She's passed". The unbelievable pain of remembering holding and kissing her soft cheeks and wailing in a room that was meant for so much happiness.

They told me again at my check up that there was nothing that came back as the reason for her death.  Everything appeared perfectly fine. She looked like she was just asleep as we all held her that night. One nurse said that's what makes this difficult is when there's no reason to give for why it happened and at first I thought so too.  But now that I've had time to think on it, it actually makes it easier to accept because I know there was nothing I, they or anyone could have done.  The Lord decided May 11th was Tobi's day. I consider it a very clear message from Him that this was absolutely just His doing because it is for a purpose, maybe many purposes for His children.   It is not meaningless and it won't be wasted.

I know, even in my very darkest, lowest times that He has a great purpose for this.  I have already seen good things comes from it.  But it would not be honest of me to say that this week I haven't struggled spiritually harder than I've ever struggled before. You don't make statements in public like we did in those first few days and have the enemy just lay down and take it.  I am thankful now, in a way I've never been before, that the Lord is faithful even when we are not.  This is one thing that sets Him apart from other "gods" and religions.  El Shaddai, the one true God, Who was first and created all we see, not only notices a speck of dust like me but also remains faithful when the this speck questions His plans. Not only remains faithful but is compassionate… and in His compassion very gently leads that speck to repentance for the sinful things it thought or said, knowing full well it may struggle with thinking it again tomorrow. 

All simply because He is good…. and because He loves it…. and because it belongs to Him.

Thank You, Lord.  I am not worthy.

"All praise and all the honor be
To the God of ancient mysteries
Whose every sign and wonder
Turn the pages of our history

But tonight my heart is heavy

And I cannot keep from whispering this prayer

'Are you there'?

And I know you could leave writing
On the wall that's just for me
Or send wisdom while I'm sleeping
Like in Solomon's sweet dreams

But I don't need the strength of Sampson

Or a chariot in the end

Just wanna know you still know how many

Hairs are on my head

O Great God...

Be small enough to hear

Me now."