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When less is not more

These last few days I have had this unexplainable desire for “the more”.  I heard someone say recently that before they were anointed by the Holy Spirit they would always wonder “where is the more?”.   Have you ever wondered that?  I think this woman saying this has stuck with me because that describes perfectly my life before we moved to Evansville (where my life was changed, spiritually speaking, but that’s another story).  All those years I would think, “Surely this isn’t all there is to the Christian life.  This can’t possibly be it because it would mean that the Bible is just full of lies and I know that's not the case.”

I have experienced what I’ll call “the more” these last couple years, but lately I have not been able to stop thinking about wanting more of the more.  On Sunday, I watched the latest movie from a Christian filmmaker who documents the Holy Spirit moving in people’s lives.  This also is another story for another time but I finished watching the movie and said to the Lord again that I so desired the more, whatever that was or however that looked for me. Not for the sake of having just more, but so that I could be a conduit of life change that the anointing of the Holy Spirit brings about through His children. I reckon the world doesn’t want what we have because so often they don’t see any real, true, tangible life change in us that would draw them to the God who causes such things.  I so desire to be like a tree that stands in the middle of a busy intersection that bears fruit, not just up at the top of the tree where someone would really have to be hungry to want to reach up there to get it, but that has fruit hanging low to the ground (in my mind "the more") so all they have to do is just pick some off as they pass by to get nourishment.   

All this is what I was saying to the Lord when I heard Him say, “Come to the secret place with me”.  

When the Lord tells you He wants to meet you in a safe place that the enemy doesn’t know, you get up and go meet him, dangit. So I went to my room and met with Him.  I sat down in front of my Bible and told Him I wanted Him to teach me whatever He wanted.  I had no agenda and no idea where to read.   

But nothing came. I sat waiting on Him to tell me somehow where to start.  But He stayed quiet.  So I began to talk to Him about what was on my mind because I had the impression that He wanted me to meet Him there so that we could just talk, with no fear of the enemy’s influencing me or confusing me while I spoke to Him.  

Do you ever worry if the things you think are the Holy Spirit talking are really the enemy masquerading as the Lord?  I have many, many times before.  But the thing about the secret place is… it’s secret.  

Psalm 91:1 NIV “Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.” He showed me this verse just now which, even as I type, I am astounded at how the Lord sometimes proves it’s His voice after the fact. I have loved this Psalm a lot lately for various reasons but had never known any translation but NIV, which just says “shelter”.   But I have just found that some translations say “He that dwells in the secret place.”  

Shelter or secret is the word “cether” which means "covering, shelter, hiding place, secrecy” and shadow is the word “tsel” which means “shadow, shade (as protection), shadow (symbolic of the transitoriness of life).”  So He promises that when we dwell in the hiding place of the Most High, we will REST in the shade of His protection through this fleeting, brief, uncertain life. The Psalmist goes on to explain what dwelling in this place looks like.   “The Lord says, ‘Because he is devoted to me, I will deliver Him; I will protect him because He is loyal to me”.   And….  “I will say of the Lord 'He is my refuge and my fortress’ my God, in whom I trust.”    So when we make it our most earnest prayer for Him to show us the way to that secret place, once there, we can rest completely in the promise that He protects us from the enemies lies and confusion.  

However, as I sat there talking to the Lord trying to figure out what I was yearning for so badly, it did not feel like rest.  It felt like desperation for the words to say or even just the knowledge of what I was wanting so badly.  All I knew was to say that I wanted more.   But of what, I wasn’t sure.  As I was talking to Him with this frantic, chaotic, confusing emotion swirling around in me, I heard the name of someone that I know; as if the Lord was stopping me in my tracks to pray for this person.  They had nothing to do with what I was currently thinking about so I knew it was the Lord asking me to pray.  He does that sometimes…  But even then, I tried to think of something, anything to pray and I had no idea what to ask Him for them.   

As I sat there, I began to hear some words in my head.  I didn’t understand their meaning and I didn’t understand what they were to even be able to make out the words so I continued to push through my prayer and tried to ignore them.  But they grew louder and more distinct in my head.  Finally I heard them clearly enough to write them down in my journal.  Beside them I wrote “What does this mean?” 

Shama zool.  That's what it sounded like to me.

And then the Lord said to me, “Say it out loud to me”.  So feeling very foolish, I said the words out loud to Him.  And He said, “again”. And so I said it again.  He had me say the words out loud several times and finally I stopped and said, “Lord, these words feel like nonsense words to me. I feel nothing when I say them except more confusion and distraction from my original prayer.”  

And then He told me to google it.  Not kidding… His words. 

So I googled these words that I wasn’t even sure of the spelling or if they were even real words at all.  What came up was a bunch of mumbo jumbo (to me) websites that had nothing to do with anything in particular to what I was praying.  But as I scrolled my eyes locked on one website that seemed to look promising. 

"Shama - Hebrew

To hear intelligently (often with implication of attention, obedience, etc. causatively to tell, etc.), consent, consider, be content, declare, diligently discern, give ear..” etc.   

I sat there with my mouth hanging open because one of the words I heard in my head, during a very distressing time of prayer, turned out to be a HEBREW word.  

Are y’all with me?  A. Hebrew. Word.

I do not know Hebrew.  Frankly, I barely know English. 

But I heard a word that turns out to be a Hebrew word with a meaning that is very significant to me.  (Although at the time I still didn’t understand what it had to do with what I was struggling with.)   So I began to frantically try to find the meaning to the last word so that I could maybe know the full explanation of why He was speaking it to me.  But I found nothing in that moment and felt certain He was telling me I’d find the other word later.   So I went on about my day.

Later that night, after telling Carey the story up to this point, I got on the computer to try again to find the last word.  “Zool”.

Through several searches that brought NOTHING up, I somehow stumbled on it. I can’t even remember how I got to it other than to say that the Lord just led me to the right place just as I was about to give up.

“Zuwl - Hebrew

Phonetic spelling ZOOL

To pour out, lavish.

To shake out, i.e. (by implication) to scatter profusely.”

The picture in my head from one of the definitions that included a verse from Isaiah gave me this image of someone opening a coin purse and dumping out all the coins so that they scattered. 

Again, mouth hanging open.   The were both Hebrew words and not only that, it was just really cool that the way He showed me to spell zuwl was actually the phonetic spelling of this word.  

There is more to this story but I will save that for my next post because I want to get to the point of this one and not get sidetracked on the coolness of how God speaks sometimes.

When I first sat down to ask Him for "the more", I sat down thinking He was leading me to ask for the gift to perform miracles or to do something spectacular. But what I found is this.  

He is the more. 

I heard someone say recently that you become what you constantly focus on. When we focus on Jesus only, when we do everything for an audience of One, He fills us up and we begin to mirror what His life looked like while He walked this earth.  “Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well.”

Do you need more compassion?  Don’t pursue compassion, pursue first Jesus who IS compassion.

Do you need love even for the unlovable?  Don’t pursue love. Pursue first Jesus, who IS love and who won over even the most despicable because they simply could not resist the all consuming nature of His love.

Do you need the ability to forgive someone?  Don’t pursue trying to forgive them. Pursue first Jesus, who knows better than anyone how to forgive even those who don’t think they need to be forgiven.

Do you want to be like Jesus?  Don’t pursue the things you think makes a person like Jesus, pursue FIRST Jesus…

“...and all these things will be given to you as well.”  

The Living God promises this to us and there is one thing I know for certain...  He always keeps His promises.

Shama zuwl, y’all.  (to be continued)

Singing

Every once in a while I get down and out feeling for no reason.   It doesn't happen often, but when it does, I write about it.  So just FYI, I'm not always as burdened as I may seem from just this little blog.

That being said, tonight was one of those "every once in a while's". I won't go into why or what caused it because it doesn't matter and I'm gonna try to be better about not being so long winded in these posts.

As I got out of the shower just now Kari Jobe's song "My beloved" was on.  I've listened to it loads of times and I like the sentiment behind it but it's not my favorite.  Lately I mostly like to listen to songs that speak about who the Lord is rather than songs centered around what He is in relation to me, if that makes sense.  Nothing wrong with those kinds of songs, it's just my current preference.  Anyway...

She sang "You're My beloved, you're My bride, to sing over you is My delight" and the Lord put a picture in my head.

Before I leave Piper's room each night she wants me to sing a song I made up for her when she was a baby.   It's a simple little nothing song but she loves it because of the same reasons we all love songs our mother's sang to us.  It's comfort and love and safety to us as children and I love to sing it to her because I can watch her little face register all these good feelings.

As He made this picture play in my mind - me leaned over Piper singing her song to her - He said to me "to sing over you is My delight" and He showed me Him leaned over me with His lips pressed to my cheek as I do with Piper.

Though we're not worthy, we are the beloved of the one true God who is love.  He is always singing over us His song of peace.  He desires that we cast all our cares down at His feet and as the song says, He then beckons to us "come away with me, My love."

As is the way it always goes, I'm not down and out anymore.   I wanted to share this picture that I will never forget with you, so that maybe you will also be overwhelmed by the tenderness of His love for His children.

Go away with Him.  There is nothing like it.

"For the Lord your God is living among you.  He is a mighty savior.  He will take delight in you with gladness. With His love, He will calm all your fears.  He will rejoice over you with joyful songs."

Zephaniah 3:17

When Jesus stands in your way

Lately I’ve been letting myself think about the day in the hospital that we found out Tobi died.   Until now I haven’t been able to dwell on it much because it still causes so much sadness.  I have had to fight bitter disappointment and jealousy when I think of it.  We went in after I had been contracting for 4 or 5 hours and I can’t explain how excited I was that I might be able to experience some of true labor.  I know how silly that may sound to most… but if you spend 9 months thinking on how much you want to be an active participant in giving birth, all while being told it probably won’t happen (because of it a being VBAC) you would be excited too when it looks like, right at the last minute, that you might get what you’ve been longing for from the deepest parts of you for almost a year.  

If you are one of the mothers who has been able to give birth, epidural or not.. if you have been able to go to the hospital contracting.. if you got to experience your water breaking on its own and the rush of having everybody expecting YOU to do all the work, please know what a great blessing that is.  So many would give a lot to experience even just a small bit of any of those things.  Not trying to preach, just thought I'd say that while I'm at it.

That day I went in knowing that I may get to the hospital and not be dilated at all.  I knew I might get there and have them tell me that I’m contracting but nothing else is happening.  When you’re trying for a VBAC they have very little options in the way of getting you to dilate.  Apparently, even the few options they do have to force your body to dilate most times doesn’t ultimately work and you still have to go for a c-section. I knew all these things and only just the day before had finally and joyfully accepted that that very well may be what would happen in the end.  

But as I put on the gown and got up in the bed, all I could think on was how my chest was so tight from the excitement and anticipation of finding out if I was dilated. As the nurse hooked me up to the monitor, this was what I thought about and nothing else.  I still feel the excitement as I type this.  I looked down at my huge stomach (she was almost 10lbs) as she strapped the monitor to me and thought, “here we go, girlie.”

And then she couldn’t find the heartbeat.  And then another nurse couldn’t find the heartbeat. And then they sent for a resident doctor to bring the ultrasound to check and as this doctor searched and I noticed that I couldn’t see a little beating heart where I thought it ought to be, I began to deny the voice in my head that was saying “get ready”.  

Have you ever experienced this knowing but not wanting to hear it?  It’s horrible, isn’t it?  And as this doctor spoke very slowly and deliberately, Carey grabbed hold of my hand and I knew he was worrying the same thing. My heart went numb. She said that they were going to get the on call OB but that if he couldn’t find anything that it “appears she’s passed” and I looked at Carey for the first time through all of it… I’ll never forget the look on his face.   He stood to gather me up and all I could do was feel detachment from what was happening.  

When that awful first wave of grief in the form of denial came, I couldn’t cry.  I remember one of the first things I said into his shoulder was “Oh God!”. I wondered as I heard myself say it over and over and heard all of the staff scrambling to leave the room, if they thought I was just saying it like one would say oh my gosh. I was vaguely aware of being worried about that because I have never said this phrase before but in this case, my exclamation was literally “Oh God, where are you?”  As I began to repeat this over and over, I found myself going through the awful process of trying to deny this was happening, thinking, "surely this is just a dream”.  But then I would find my hand being held by a nurse who was just there to cry with me and realize, again, I wasn’t a dream at all.  

From the moment they said she was gone til a day or two after we got home, I didn't speak an intentional prayer to the Lord.  I didn’t pray or take it to Him.  I would think things like, “He’s going to bring her back from the dead.  Surely that’s what He’s doing.”  Or I would say to Carey and daddy, “How is this not meaningless?!”  I would think about Him, but it was as if the God who pretty much always feels near to me was suddenly far, far away from my sorrows.   They began to ask me questions in preparing me for my c-section and I would get more and more disconnected from the Lord in my heart and mind.  I didn’t know this at the time… there was no room in me to examine what I was going through but I look back on it now and see that’s what was happening.  

At that point, it was all still so new that no one but Daddy was there.  My daddy is the type of daddy who hears this kind of horrible news and leaves the house before the phone has even been hung up.  Before the whole story has even been told.  So, he was there for a while before everyone else got there. And all me and Carey and him could do was sit and cry as they prepared me for surgery.  And looking back on it, in those moments I see I could’ve cared less about talking to the Lord.

And then Chris walked through the door.  She came straight to us, laid her hand on me and began to pray to the Father she has tasted and seen is good in all circumstances, including death and all sorts of horrors.  I can’t remember any of what she said except the first part of the prayer.  She began praying by telling Jesus who she knew He is.   She was so quite and so reverent as she spoke to Him and I found myself closing my eyes and wanting to go to sleep to the sound of the peace in her voice.  She called Him “the man of sorrows” and I began to cry in a new kind of way.

Some of you may think I’m crazy or that I’m making this next part up and there is no way for me to prove to you otherwise.  All I know to do is just tell you what I saw and hope the Lord gives you the ability to hear and believe one of the things He does for us when we’re so broken we can’t even think.   

The moment she called Him the man of sorrows, I saw Jesus.  My eyes were closed and I saw what you see when you close your eyes - the backs of your eyelids.  But I also saw the head of a Man appear in my vision with my eyelids still in the background and He was so close in my sight that it seemed He was pressing His forehead to mine.  Like when Dr. Crute came up later and she wanted me to look her in the eyes so she put her face so close to mine her nose was almost touching mine.  All I could see was His head, He was so close to me.  I couldn’t see His face beause there was a light shining behind Him that shone through His hair but darkened His face so that I couldn’t make it out.  He didn’t say a word but in that moment, as I was unknowingly traveling down the path of resentment and bitterness that I believe would have caused me to turn away from Him in my anger, the Man of many sorrows stepped in my path and put His forehead to mine and made me know Him in a way I've never known Him before.  He showed me how He was grieving with me, in the same way that I saw Dr. Crute grieving with me when she put her face to mine later on that night.  I look back on myself while Chris prayed and I see myself (spiritually and emotionally) with a head bowed under the weight of the greatest grief I’ve ever known.  I could not, in my own strength, lift my head to see anything but the great darkness that had settled on me.    

But this Man of sorrows is better equipped than anyone to help "the fallen and lift those bent beneath their loads.” This is where Grace began in this new season of my life.  He could have left me alone.  I wasn’t seeking Him out.  He could have let me continue on in my despair until I had dishonored His holy name by saying He just plays games with us. He could have let me keep walking that path and then face so much bitter regret afterwards when I had come out of the season of grief and saw on the other side that He had been faithful.  But instead of allowing me to get what I really do deserve - shame, regret, months or years of depression and fighting fear - He came to me as I struck out on my own sinful road, took His finger and lifted my chin so I would look at Him. He put His forehead to mine and sat with me while I grieved the life of a little girl I would have died to save.  

This is Jesus, friends.  

“He was despised and rejected - a man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief.  We turned our backs on Him and looked the other way.  He was despised, and we did not care.  Yet it was our weakness He carried; it was OUR sorrows that weighed Him down… But He was pierced for our rebellion, crushed for our sins.  He was beaten so we could be whole. He was whipped so we could be healed.  All of us, like sheep, have strayed away. We have left God’s paths to follow our own.  Yet the Lord laid on Him the sins of us all…  But it was the Lord’s good plan to crush Him and cause Him grief.  Yet when His life is made an offering for sin, He will have many descendants. He will enjoy a long life, and the Lord’s good plan will prosper in His hands.”

Isaiah 53:3-10

It was the Father’s good plan to crush Him and cause Him grief, because it allowed us to finally be made whole and right with Him again as sons and daughters through Jesus sacrifice.  

This is the God of the Bible.  This is the Great God of history that shows Himself over and over to be Jehovah Shalom - the Lord our peace.   This is what makes Jesus different than every other false god out there.  He took up our grief so that when we suffer trails of any kind we can take His yoke and let Him teach us, because He is humble and gentle at heart and because He understands.  He knows.  He gives us rest for our souls that we cannot find any other way in this life.  In the place of the heavy burden of our present troubles that bends us low to the ground until we almost break, He gives us His burden that is easy to bear. He gives us a burden that is light, mild, manageable and even pleasant.    

He gives us joy in the greatest sorrow of our lives and speaks through us the words that bless His name and let us know the joy, above all other joys, that He is pleased with us.  

"Not to us, Lord, not us, but to Your name goes all the glory for your unfailing love and faithfulness.  Why let the nations say, “Where is their God?”  Our God is in the heavens, and He does as He wishes.”

Psalm 115:1-3 

In Your name

"Many will say to Me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in Your name, and in Your name cast out demons, and in Your name perform many miracles?' "And then I will declare to them, 'I never knew you; depart from Me, you who practice lawlessness.’ 

Matthew 7:22-23

These people are able to cast out demons and perform many miracles and yet He says He never knew them. How is that even possible? I have asked the Lord this question so many times these last few years. If I’m honest, this has been a verse that has been so discouraging to me. How can anyone be certain of their salvation if even those who can cast out demons be unsaved in the end? 

But He has answered me and this is now one of the most encouraging verses in the whole Bible to me.

Three times He says “in Your name”. In His name they did all these things and yet He says He never knew them and sends them away from Him in judgement.

Jesus' name is so powerful that even those unknown to Him, "who practice lawlessness” can perform miracles. The demons have to flee when they speak His name, not because of anything that person is, but because even demons tremble in fear at just the mention of His name.

I have prayed things all my life “in Jesus name” while entertaining thoughts of doubt of His power and ultimate control over all things. I have prayed for Jesus to open loved ones eyes to Him and cause them to finally, truly live, all while doubting that He can really move in these who seem so stubborn in their unbelief.  I have despaired even while praying "in His name" over fellow believers who are struggling with issues that keep them defeated and discouraged.

No... it just won’t do. Not anymore. I see now. 

“There is not a square inch in the whole domain of our human existence over which Christ, who is Sovereign over all, does not cry: 'Mine!’” Jesus reigns in all things. And even speaking His name unleashes His might and power and goodness and life giving light in this dark world. I wonder how much more victorious the Church would be if we would grab hold of this truth and live our lives through this filter.

And so I say --- Jesus… Jesus... Jesus! Come, Lord Jesus. Teach us to take hold of the authority You were pleased to give us so that we can take back these things that the enemy has stolen. For Your glory and Your pleasure. You deserve so much more than we could ever give and yet You are pleased with us anyway.

Thank You, Jesus.

Then I heard the Lord asking, "Whom should I send as a messenger to this people? Who will go for us?" I said, "Here I am. Send me."   Isaiah 6:8

Grace

I have a confession to make that will probably not surprise anyone.   These last 2 weeks I have had moments of despairing over losing Tobi that I haven’t felt since right after she died.  

I have celebrated and looked at baby pictures of friends who were pregnant at the same time as me. Some who were many months behind me are now having their babies.  I look at the pictures of their babies and I ache at realizing the favor the Lord gives us in allowing us to give birth and raise up children.  Just like He delights in giving us marriage so we would not be alone but to be unified in our cause for following Him, He also delights in giving us children.  I think a lot since Tobi died on how little I thank Him that He is so good that He delights in giving us such gifts.  (Oh how we should train ourselves to stop in our complaining about them and think more and more on what a great and wonderful God we serve that allows us to not be alone but be husbands and wives and mama’s and daddy’s.)   

But while I am so happy to see the pictures of these children that He loves being born one right after another to mama’s and daddy’s that He loves equally as much, I find myself having to turn away and not look at them for too long.  Even now, just writing about this makes my heart feel so swollen and bruised that I feel it might cut off my breathing.  

I worry a lot lately that everyone is tired of hearing me talk about this.  I worry that people read my statuses with Bible verses about sorrow and suffering and how He restores our joy and roll their eyes thinking, “Here she goes again.  Come on, Bevin… now you're just looking for attention.”  I hope this isn’t the case and honestly, even it if I knew for certain it is what everyone thinks, I still would write it.  I still would talk about it.  I believe that He’s allowed this with Tobi so that maybe even just 1 of His lost sheep would hear my testimony of His faithfulness and strength and would follow Him back to the 99.  Maybe that won’t happen, but I can’t make myself be quiet.  He has been too good.  It just won't do to be silent. 

When I’ve come to those moments of great sadness these last couple months, I have found that for me, speaking about His goodness makes me feel joy in the midst of my sorrow that I can’t explain to someone who doesn’t know it for themselves. It actually seems to me like it’s my antidote for sorrow - to speak of who He is.  I have overflowed with messages from Him, some that I’ve written on this blog because HE told me what to write.  I've made it a rule to wait on a message from Him before I write so that they're easy and quick to write. It doesn’t take a lot of deleting and tedious rewording because it just… flows out.  But these last couple weeks He has remained silent and has not given me any kind of message about this new thing I’m feeling.  He has given me words about other things.  Things I should be praying for for others who are going through completely different kinds of hard times at the moment.  

These last few days, I’ve found myself wondering when I'd cry til my eyes were swollen why it felt so fresh again. 

No, not even "again"… it just feel fresh. Like it’s a new thing that I haven’t experienced yet.  And as I’ve looked at all these pictures (that I seek out, by the way, because I really do like to see them) of friends with newborns babies, babies that would be Tobi’s exact age, and pictures of the older siblings studying their new baby brother/sister, I’ve come to realize that it’s because I fully see how different our life looks to what it should look like through seeing these pictures.  Tobi should be smiling now like that little girlie is in that picture.  Carey should be posting pictures of me laying next to her asleep like that friend is with her baby boy.  And now every month that I find that I’m not pregnant and I realize, again, that even if I were pregnant yesterday, Piper will still be an older, older sibling and it will be a long while before I get to hold and smell our own little one again.  And y’all, it just hurts.  It hurts so bad to realize it over and over again. 

I know that the Lord will probably very soon give us another baby and I hope He will give us many, including adopted children. But these last few days I have despaired. I have despaired over Piper still being an only child, over watching her growing fascination with babies, over not being able to be completely happy, with NO sadness or feelings of envy for friends who are pregnant and giving birth. So, I told Him again tonight that Carey and I will take however many and whoever He wants us to have.  However many.  I wrote it in my prayer journal because I wanted to make the statement not only out loud, but in ink, so that it would always be there to remind me that He is our daddy and He delights to give us what is good for us in the timing that He knows is good for us.  I wrote “I ask this of You, my daddy.  You know best and I trust You”.  I never call Him that but tonight I liked the familiarity of it and of the reminder of how I feel towards my earthly daddy and how I know he feels about me.

And then as I went to close the journal the verse on the top of the page (they wrote a verse on each page in this particular notebook) caught my eye, even though I usually don’t read them anymore.  

“Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart.”  

Psalm 37:4

 I love this verse and He knows it.  It’s one of my favorites and one I repeated over and over to myself as I struggled trying to figure out if it was the Lord’s will for me to have a VBAC or not with Tobi. I decided to go back and read the whole of Psalm 37 because I’ve always loved so much of that particular Psalm.  After I read it, I absentmindedly flipped through the subsequent chapters and my attention caught on Psalm 40:5 where I had highlighted “I desire to do your will”.   I went back to start at the beginning and here’s what the Lord finally answered to my despair...

“I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and He turned to me and heard my cry”  

 Thank You, Lord that You say You’ve heard my crying.

“He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along”  

Thank You that Your grace won’t allow me to sink in this quick sand of sadness.  You give me You, Jesus, as my solid ground to set my feet on; to walk steady and sure along. 

“He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what He has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in the Lord.”  

You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth (OT symbol of mourning) and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to You and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will praise you forever.  ...Forever, Lord.

“OH, the joys of those who trust the Lord, who have no confidence in the proud or in those who worship idols.”

Thank You that because of these hard things, I know the joy of trusting no one but You. You cause me to put no confidence in anything or anyone but You, oh my faithful Abba.

"Oh Lord my God, You have performed many wonders for us. Your plans for us are too numerous to list. You have no equal. If I tried to recite all Your wonderful deeds, I would never come to the end of them.” 

Your plans are too numerous to list.  You have no equal.  If I tried to tell of Your wonderful deeds, I would never, NEVER come to the end of them but let me never stop reciting them anyway.

“You take no delight in sacrifices or offerings. Now that you have made me listen, I finally understand - You don’t require burnt offerings or sin offerings. Then I said, “Look, I have come. As is written about me in the Scriptures: I take joy in doing Your will, my God, for your instructions are written on my heart.'”  

You don’t desire ritual and religion from me, but devotion and obedience with a joyful heart. Now that You have made me listen, I do finally understand.  And because You made me understand, I have great joy in doing Your will.   Your instructions are wonderful and Your word is life to me.  Thank You that if not for Your grace, I would still not understand.

“I have told all Your people about Your justice. I have not been afraid to speak out, as You, O Lord, well know. I have not kept the good news of Your justice hidden in my heart. I have talked about Your faithfulness and saving power. I have told everyone in the great assembly of Your unfailing love and faithfulness.”  

I will not keep silent, Lord.  I will tell everyone in the great assembly of Your unfailing love and faithfulness. I will wait patiently for You and "repeatedly shout 'The Lord is great!’"

He answers even when we don’t know what we despair over.  So listen carefully, and He will tell You what You should do.

Grace -  Kindness from God that we do not deserve.    

You were there

Around September last year I began seriously thinking about asking my OB at the time if I could try for a VBAC. I had a c-section with Piper, not because it was medically necessary, but because it was just quicker, I was afraid and basically just stupid for not weighing my options more seriously. I went in for my first visit around 10 weeks and asked her if she would let me try a VBAC with Tobi. Afterwards, I went home pretty certain that she really didn't intend to let me try even though she said we "could see". I had already felt like I should begin searching for a new OB when I found out I was pregnant because of some other issues that were unrelated to the doctor. And so after I left the office that day I determined that I would begin praying that if I was to move, that the Lord would make it very clear and that He would tell me what OB to change over to. A fews days later, I had an appointment with Dr. Crute at Memorial for my 16 week visit because He had told me I was to go to her.

As a side note - I hope I never forget to ask of the Lord's opinion for who takes care of our medical needs from here on because I could never have picked on my own a doctor and an office full of people who seem to care more for the patients they see. He showed Himself to be the God who cares about our inquiring of Him in even the smallest details of life.

Anyway, Dr. Crute saw me and said that she would be fine with pursuing a VBAC as long as everything continued as they were. I was so happy with even just the possibility of having one and couldn't understand why because I honestly enjoyed my c-section with Piper. It was totally trauma free and the recovery was actually pretty easy and quick. I was ok with the idea of having another c-section but I was concerned because Carey and I had decided that we wanted to have a fairly big family. I had asked my original OB how dangerous it was to keep having repeat c-sections 3, 4, maybe even 5 times. She had even acknowledged that it did become risky the more c-sections you had and Dr. Crute seemed to agree with me that if I wanted to pursue a VBAC for that reason that it was a good reason to pursue it.

So I began asking the Lord to change my desires to be what He wanted for me. My logic was that He knows the future, how many children He will give us, how risky multiple c-sections really are to me specifically, and so on. "Delight yourselves in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." I would repeat that verse to Him throughout the whole pregnancy and say that if my desires in this thing didn't line up with His will, to change them to be what He willed. I struggled through the last 6 months of wanting a VBAC one minute and then the next just wanting what was familiar in a c-section. I was afraid of the risks of a VBAC and the possibility that I might labor for hours and then still have to have a c-section. I thought about every possible detail of both situation so many times I began feeling like I was going to drive myself and Carey crazy towards the end.

The Lord has shown so much of His goodness to me these last couple years and through all of this I kept telling Him that if He gave me a specific word of which direction He wanted me to take, that I would put my faith wholeheartedly in that promise from Him. I had learned from Him earlier that year that Abraham's belief in God's promise was credited to him as righteousness because he had a specific promise from the Lord about having a son. The Lord is pleased by our faith when we hear or know a promise from Him and we simply believe it, no matter what the situation looks like to contrary. So I decided that I would continue seeking a specific promise for Tobi's delivery to put my full weight of trust in.

For 6 months I asked the Lord to change my desires if they didn't line up with His will. For 6 months I struggled with and then surrendered my will to His over and over and each time I left the struggle with the same strong desire to have a VBAC.

Towards the end, Tobi began showing up on the ultrasounds as being about two weeks bigger than what was average. The last couple ultrasounds she was measuring in, I think, the 75th percentile, and we were concerned that it was going to be a simple matter of her being too big for me to have a successful VBAC.

But again, I wrestled... I pursued Him and each time I felt the calm of Him continuing to say to pursue a VBAC. I figured that the God who parted the sea could most definitely cause things to work out in the end, no matter what her size or anything else said otherwise.

Then she didn't come at 40 weeks and I wasn't progressing in any way. She was still head down but she was very high and they didn't want me going past 41 weeks. So I went in the Thursday before Mother's day and Dr. Crute had Julie, her nurse and my friend, go ahead and schedule my c-section for the following Tuesday - right at my 41 week mark. She encouraged me that I might still go into labor on my own but that we needed to go ahead and deliver her via c-section if she didn't come by Tuesday.

So I went home and fought the hardest spiritual battle I had up to that point. I was miserable for all the rest of Thursday and Friday because I felt as though I suddenly had no way of knowing what to believe or how to proceed in praying and believing what I thought He had been telling me. Saturday morning came and Carey suggested I get out by myself for a while to try to de-stress, so I left out to go to Target for some last minute baby needs and decorations for her still not completed nursery.

I rode the entire 30 minutes listening to Kari Jobe songs and seeking the Lord on all of it. At that point I wanted a VBAC so badly but He had a few days before said inaudibly but almost in an audible voice "do you trust Me enough to give Me all your desires even if You don't know what the outcome will be?" I was dumbfounded by the fact that now He wanted me to hand over my strongest desires that I had wrestled with so much and trust Him, even if He never told me what path He would lead me down.  

That day I drove and sang to Him, "Jesus, lover of my soul. All consuming fire is in Your gaze. Jesus, I want You to know... I will follow You all of my days. No one else in history is like You and history itself belongs to You. Alpha and Omega, You have loved me. And I will share Eternity with You. It's all about You, Jesus, and all this is for You, for your Glory and Your fame. It's not about me, as if You should do things my way. You alone are God and I surrender to Your ways."

I cried as I struggled to surrender and finally I sang with all my heart "It's not about me, as if You should do things my way. You alone are God and I surrender to Your ways" and for the first time in those 6 months, I surrendered fully my desires to Him, trusting Him to work His "good, pleasing and perfect will" out regardless of whether I knew what to pray for specifically or not. Regardless of whether I knew what to trust Him for specifically. I told Him I knew He was good and that I was choosing to trust Him with my whole heart and its wants. I walked around in Target and for the first time was able to look at baby things and be excited with no thought of how she would get here because no matter what, I told myself, she would be here one way or another in a few days.

And then the devastation of Mother's Day happened and I lay in that bed saying over and over to myself, Carey and even Dr. Crute (who wasn't on call but came in anyway to hug me) that if I hadn't been pursuing a VBAC I would have had a c-section probably a week or two before then and "Tobi would be here now." Despite everybody telling me not to think that way that was something I couldn't stop thinking about.  How could I ever trust Him and obey again after this?  How do I ever come back from this? And through it Jesus comforted me.  That's all I know to say about it… He comforted me because He understand everything I feel because He was as I am.

Then one day during the darkest times I've had so far, I lay on the couch and told the Lord that I didn't know how I would ever be able to trust and have faith again. I had obeyed Him in every way I knew how and I was now laying at home wanting to go to sleep and never wake up because my Tobi Ruth was gone and I would never know her as my baby doll here on earth and I was afraid of what He was going to do next.

And as I cried telling Him this, the words "He determines our days" flashed in my head. I googled it and found out it was Job 14:5 "Man's days are determined; You have decreed the number of his months and have set limits he cannot exceed."

..He sets limits man cannot exceed...

I listened as He told me that He determines the number of our days and that the limit of Tobi's days was May 11th. He led my thoughts to realized that He had me pursue a VBAC all those months because if I had not sought Him out or had decided to go my own way, I would have delivered her a week or two before, she would have come home with us… Piper would have loved on her, gotten attached to her and then at some point on May 11th, I would have gone to see about her and found a lifeless little girl. She would have likely been labeled a SIDS baby and we would have had the added grief and trauma of trying to help Piper understand what happened to the little sister she had gotten so attached to. Carey and I would probably have tortured ourselves over what we could have done differently or what might have caused her to suddenly just die for no apparent reason.

As I lay there thinking through this new thought, the Lord told me to remember that in every difficulty of life to look for how He has been merciful. He told me to remember that so that I could tell it to someone else when they're going through a hard time. "Look for how I've been merciful. And if You can't see, then ask Me to show You", He said. He chose the most gentle way possible for Tobi to go because He is compassionate. Tobi's life's purpose was best served in the days He had determined for her and because He helped me to obey Him, we were spared unimaginable grief beyond what we have gone through.

I would never, never have chosen this if I had had a say in the matter but I can now say that I would never change things. I will always miss and ache for Tobi while I'm here on earth. I've decided that the loss of a child is like living with chronic pain. You get so used to the constant hurt that you don't notice it until something random makes you aware of it. I am always aching but the Lord has been gracious to let me have joy again. And this joy is a new joy that I've never known before. I would never change things because this has let me see the compassion of God that I've always spoken of but never really understood for myself. It has let me know Jesus in ways that I couldn't do justice to in words. It has shown me how He blesses us with joy, peace and even happiness, even in great pain, when we obey and simply just trust Him. He gives me the ability to sing to Him a new song that I've never been able to sing before. He tells me "Come rest in me and be made whole" and I find that I am whole for the first time.

I miss her, Lord. I ache for a house full of children. I want a little sister or brother for Piper right now… this very minute.  But I trust You. You make all things right.

"So there he stood upon that hill

Abraham with knife in hand was poised to kill

But God in all his sovereignty had bigger plans

And just in time, You brought a lamb

You were there,

You were there

In the midst of the unclear

You were there, you were there always

You were there when obedience

Seemed to not make sense

You were there, You were always there

You were always there

So haven't I learned that my ways

Aren't as high as Yours are

And You alone keep the universe

From crumbling into dust

You are God and though we would

Not have understood You

There You were

Hanging blameless on a cross

You would rather die than leave us in the dark

Every moment, every planned coincidence

Just all makes sense

With Your last breath

You were there, You were there

During history's darkest hour

You were there, You were there always

You were the Victor and the King

You were the power in David's swing

You were the calm in Abraham

You are the God who understands

You are the strength when we have none

You are the living, Holy one

You were, You are and You will always be

the Risen Lamb of God!"