These last few days I have had this unexplainable desire for “the more”. I heard someone say recently that before they were anointed by the Holy Spirit they would always wonder “where is the more?”. Have you ever wondered that? I think this woman saying this has stuck with me because that describes perfectly my life before we moved to Evansville (where my life was changed, spiritually speaking, but that’s another story). All those years I would think, “Surely this isn’t all there is to the Christian life. This can’t possibly be it because it would mean that the Bible is just full of lies and I know that's not the case.”
I have experienced what I’ll call “the more” these last couple years, but lately I have not been able to stop thinking about wanting more of the more. On Sunday, I watched the latest movie from a Christian filmmaker who documents the Holy Spirit moving in people’s lives. This also is another story for another time but I finished watching the movie and said to the Lord again that I so desired the more, whatever that was or however that looked for me. Not for the sake of having just more, but so that I could be a conduit of life change that the anointing of the Holy Spirit brings about through His children. I reckon the world doesn’t want what we have because so often they don’t see any real, true, tangible life change in us that would draw them to the God who causes such things. I so desire to be like a tree that stands in the middle of a busy intersection that bears fruit, not just up at the top of the tree where someone would really have to be hungry to want to reach up there to get it, but that has fruit hanging low to the ground (in my mind "the more") so all they have to do is just pick some off as they pass by to get nourishment.
All this is what I was saying to the Lord when I heard Him say, “Come to the secret place with me”.
When the Lord tells you He wants to meet you in a safe place that the enemy doesn’t know, you get up and go meet him, dangit. So I went to my room and met with Him. I sat down in front of my Bible and told Him I wanted Him to teach me whatever He wanted. I had no agenda and no idea where to read.
But nothing came. I sat waiting on Him to tell me somehow where to start. But He stayed quiet. So I began to talk to Him about what was on my mind because I had the impression that He wanted me to meet Him there so that we could just talk, with no fear of the enemy’s influencing me or confusing me while I spoke to Him.
Do you ever worry if the things you think are the Holy Spirit talking are really the enemy masquerading as the Lord? I have many, many times before. But the thing about the secret place is… it’s secret.
Psalm 91:1 NIV “Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.” He showed me this verse just now which, even as I type, I am astounded at how the Lord sometimes proves it’s His voice after the fact. I have loved this Psalm a lot lately for various reasons but had never known any translation but NIV, which just says “shelter”. But I have just found that some translations say “He that dwells in the secret place.”
Shelter or secret is the word “cether” which means "covering, shelter, hiding place, secrecy” and shadow is the word “tsel” which means “shadow, shade (as protection), shadow (symbolic of the transitoriness of life).” So He promises that when we dwell in the hiding place of the Most High, we will REST in the shade of His protection through this fleeting, brief, uncertain life. The Psalmist goes on to explain what dwelling in this place looks like. “The Lord says, ‘Because he is devoted to me, I will deliver Him; I will protect him because He is loyal to me”. And…. “I will say of the Lord 'He is my refuge and my fortress’ my God, in whom I trust.” So when we make it our most earnest prayer for Him to show us the way to that secret place, once there, we can rest completely in the promise that He protects us from the enemies lies and confusion.
However, as I sat there talking to the Lord trying to figure out what I was yearning for so badly, it did not feel like rest. It felt like desperation for the words to say or even just the knowledge of what I was wanting so badly. All I knew was to say that I wanted more. But of what, I wasn’t sure. As I was talking to Him with this frantic, chaotic, confusing emotion swirling around in me, I heard the name of someone that I know; as if the Lord was stopping me in my tracks to pray for this person. They had nothing to do with what I was currently thinking about so I knew it was the Lord asking me to pray. He does that sometimes… But even then, I tried to think of something, anything to pray and I had no idea what to ask Him for them.
As I sat there, I began to hear some words in my head. I didn’t understand their meaning and I didn’t understand what they were to even be able to make out the words so I continued to push through my prayer and tried to ignore them. But they grew louder and more distinct in my head. Finally I heard them clearly enough to write them down in my journal. Beside them I wrote “What does this mean?”
Shama zool. That's what it sounded like to me.
And then the Lord said to me, “Say it out loud to me”. So feeling very foolish, I said the words out loud to Him. And He said, “again”. And so I said it again. He had me say the words out loud several times and finally I stopped and said, “Lord, these words feel like nonsense words to me. I feel nothing when I say them except more confusion and distraction from my original prayer.”
And then He told me to google it. Not kidding… His words.
So I googled these words that I wasn’t even sure of the spelling or if they were even real words at all. What came up was a bunch of mumbo jumbo (to me) websites that had nothing to do with anything in particular to what I was praying. But as I scrolled my eyes locked on one website that seemed to look promising.
"Shama - Hebrew
To hear intelligently (often with implication of attention, obedience, etc. causatively to tell, etc.), consent, consider, be content, declare, diligently discern, give ear..” etc.
I sat there with my mouth hanging open because one of the words I heard in my head, during a very distressing time of prayer, turned out to be a HEBREW word.
Are y’all with me? A. Hebrew. Word.
I do not know Hebrew. Frankly, I barely know English.
But I heard a word that turns out to be a Hebrew word with a meaning that is very significant to me. (Although at the time I still didn’t understand what it had to do with what I was struggling with.) So I began to frantically try to find the meaning to the last word so that I could maybe know the full explanation of why He was speaking it to me. But I found nothing in that moment and felt certain He was telling me I’d find the other word later. So I went on about my day.
Later that night, after telling Carey the story up to this point, I got on the computer to try again to find the last word. “Zool”.
Through several searches that brought NOTHING up, I somehow stumbled on it. I can’t even remember how I got to it other than to say that the Lord just led me to the right place just as I was about to give up.
“Zuwl - Hebrew
Phonetic spelling ZOOL
To pour out, lavish.
To shake out, i.e. (by implication) to scatter profusely.”
The picture in my head from one of the definitions that included a verse from Isaiah gave me this image of someone opening a coin purse and dumping out all the coins so that they scattered.
Again, mouth hanging open. The were both Hebrew words and not only that, it was just really cool that the way He showed me to spell zuwl was actually the phonetic spelling of this word.
There is more to this story but I will save that for my next post because I want to get to the point of this one and not get sidetracked on the coolness of how God speaks sometimes.
When I first sat down to ask Him for "the more", I sat down thinking He was leading me to ask for the gift to perform miracles or to do something spectacular. But what I found is this.
He is the more.
I heard someone say recently that you become what you constantly focus on. When we focus on Jesus only, when we do everything for an audience of One, He fills us up and we begin to mirror what His life looked like while He walked this earth. “Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well.”
Do you need more compassion? Don’t pursue compassion, pursue first Jesus who IS compassion.
Do you need love even for the unlovable? Don’t pursue love. Pursue first Jesus, who IS love and who won over even the most despicable because they simply could not resist the all consuming nature of His love.
Do you need the ability to forgive someone? Don’t pursue trying to forgive them. Pursue first Jesus, who knows better than anyone how to forgive even those who don’t think they need to be forgiven.
Do you want to be like Jesus? Don’t pursue the things you think makes a person like Jesus, pursue FIRST Jesus…
“...and all these things will be given to you as well.”
The Living God promises this to us and there is one thing I know for certain... He always keeps His promises.
Shama zuwl, y’all. (to be continued)
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