On the hard days

Today was not a good day. Today I woke dreaming about Tobi.

Most days, I'm alright. I think I almost even act like my old self most days. I have moments of not being ok each day but it's bearable and it doesn't last for too long.

But today I missed Tobi. I miss her as if she were someone I had known my whole life. From the time we decided on her name, around November of last year, we have used it in our normal conversations throughout the day. It was no different than the way we talk about Piper. She was a person and it didn't matter that we hadn't all officially met, she was apart of our lives now. And now there's some days that we don't use her name at all. Some days there's just simply no reason to. There's some days that we go about our life like before...as if the last 9 months never happened. As if a part of Carey and me and Piper isn't missing for as long as we live here on earth.

Today I didn't care about what the good purpose behind it is and who might be impacted by our testimony through it. I wanted Tobi Ruth. I wanted our days to be filled with a newborn schedule, and the chaos of having two small children to see about when I'm running errands by myself. I wanted to know what her pretty little face looks like when she opens her eyes. I wanted to know if her voice is as small and girly as Piper's is. I wanted the memories I can't stop reliving to be replaced with balloons and flowers being brought up by happy faces of friends and family. Today I wasn't satisfied by the thought of future children I hope He will give us soon… I wanted Tobi.

But then tonight, I sat down to write in my prayer journal and to read my Bible like I do almost every single night. I didn't last night. I just decided not to because the time had gotten away from me. But tonight I felt an overwhelming urge to sit and talk to Him for a while and see what He had to say back to me, if anything at all. And I was reminded of a sermon of John Piper's that I listened to recently explaining the text from 2 Corinthians 4:16-18. He explains that what Paul is saying is that it is a renewing of our inner self day by day that keeps us from losing heart.

Day by day... He goes on to say "It means the refreshing, renewing, strength-giving drink you took in the morning that kept you from losing heart must be taken again the next morning — or night or noon. “Re-new” means something runs out. The bucket leaks. The car runs out of gas. The spiritual metabolism of your life feasted on the renewing meal, and now it needs another one." According to Jesus, each day has troubles of its own and therefore each day requires renewal of its own.

And so I sat and poured out my heart to the Lord. And I listened as He reminded me that He lost loved ones while He was here on earth, too. He knows the great sadness that comes with being separated from them in this life. And as Carey pointed out during that first week home, the Lord knows even greater anguish in loss than we do because so many of the ones He loves and died for choose to leave this life still rejecting Him… to go to a place where He will be eternally separated from them, unable to save them anymore.

THIS is the God who hears me when I cry to Him about how much my arms ache for Tobi Ruth.

And then afterwards, I turned on some music and got in the shower and sang to Him about His holiness. And I was again overwhelmed by the knowledge that Almighty God, who makes Himself knowable but also remains mysterious, had not only heard my heart but had answered me back with words of comfort and then led me to sing to Him about Who He is.

...Because He knows that it is the only thing that can make it all right. It is the only thing that makes us whole.

"In and out of situations
That tug-a-war at me
All day long I struggle
For answers that I need
Then I come into His presence
And all my questions become clear
And for a sacred moment
No doubt can interfere...

Through His love the Lord provided
A place for us to rest
A place to find the answers
In hours of distress
Now there's never any reason
For you to give up in despair
Just slip away and breathe His name
He will surely meet you there

In the presence of Jehovah
God Almighty, Prince of Peace
Troubles vanish, hearts are mended
In the presence of the King"