Get yourself some coffee and donuts and make yourself comfortable. This one's a doozie.

I have learned a life altering truth about having a relationship with Jesus I would like to share.

It's simply this. He wants us to ask for the things we need or want specifically and expectantly and persistently.    Maybe you knew that but I didn't.   

For basically most of my 27 (…27?  28? Snot, I forgot again) I've professed to be a Christian.   And for all of those years I know I have been saved because 1. I believed that I sin and there's no way I can help myself out of that sin that keeps me eternally separated from God, that 2. Jesus is the Son of God who took the overwhelming guilt of that sin on Himself, died and then rose again after conquering death and sin, which as a result, sets me free and assures me eternal life in Heaven with God because I believe those things. SHEW. (Sometimes it just feels good to write all that out).   I believed and professed to know all that.   OK, so my salvation is secured and I will never, ever lose it.   

However, for all those years I continually struggled to know Jesus and never felt like I could truthfully claim to have a thriving relationship with Him.   Having a relationship (man, I wish there was a word I could think of to use that isn't so overly used that it's almost meaningless) with the Lord felt unattainable to me.   Reading the Bible was boring (I'm just being honest) and praying felt like I was talking to myself and reading from a script I had memorized growing up.   I would ask God to help me to know Him and have a passion for His word in many, very cliche, church-y terms (not that there's anything wrong with those, you understand… I'm just sayin' maybe it is if, like I was, you're just repeating words you've heard that really mean nothing to you.) 

Then over the summer, I heard a series of sermons at CBC on Nehemiah.   The thing the Lord showed me through those first few sermons was that when we (believers) pray, we should pray expecting the Lord to answer.  Even if it takes months (as it did in Nehemiah's situation) or even years for Him to give His answer, we should be persistent in our asking and not give up.   That it's ok to ask for the things you want to see happen, knowing that His will, which is the very best way even if we don't think so, will be done. That we should even go so far as to prepare for what the next step is when He does answer.     

And then the pastor spent some time having us consider the bigness of God and what He is capable of doing (which I had done before, sort of, but not really).   He told us to remember this very important fact when we ask things from Him, and in remembering these things, have faith that God CAN do it.   

Faith is another word that I've heard all my life in church and also in non-spiritual terms to the point that it meant nothing to me.   Just in case you're wondering…. Faith is defined as complete trust or confidence in someone or something.  Yeah, you probably knew that but for whatever reason, I've been looking up definitions for terms I've always known and suddenly they're becoming… I don't know, real to me.    So then the verse in Hebrews that says "Now faith is the assurance that what we hope for will come about and the certainty that what we cannot see exists" has taken on a whole new meaning and a whole new way to apply it to my every day life.   

I feel like I should say, just for the sake of being clear, that this kind of asking and expecting has always seemed too much like the whole "name it and claim it" way of thinking to me.  But that's not what I'm talking or thinking here.   I'm not smart enough to go deeper into the differences by writing them out, but I just know there's a difference.   …One wants my way and my will then expects Him to give it, the other asks for things all while knowing/asking that His will would ultimately done..?   There. that's my simple way of explaining.   ...Is that right?...  I hope so because it's embarrassing to think somebody smarter than me (i.e.  you, probably) is reading this and shaking their head.  ::SIGH::

Anyway, so I learned that truth, and it helped give me a different perspective on how to pray, but it didn't really change much in regards to me and Jesus.  In an attempt to apply what I had learned, I wrote a prayer list. On the top of that list, selfishly, was that He would give me a passion for Him. I prayed for each thing as specifically as I could, trusting and believing that He would answer them.  Then not very many weeks ago (in other words, this is all still pretty fresh. Also, confession: I typed "another words" just now and almost didn't catch it) I watched an interview between John Piper and Rick Warren about some of Rick Warren's theology.  I could write a whole other post of ramblings on what I learned from that video but I won't.   Basically, the greatest thing I took away from that interview was that Rick Warren worded things in such a way to make things that had never been clear, clear to me. So I got on his website and watched some of his recent sermons. (which are… amazing.  Darn my un-imaginativeness with words!) Through his website, I found a book he wrote explaining the 12 methods of how to study the Bible.   

Did you know there's a difference between a quiet time and a Bible study?   I did not and I'm here to tell y'all, this knowledge set me free.  I've always, always, always dreaded quiet times because 1. like I said, reading the Bible usually was pretty boring to me, and 2. I felt guilty because I felt like I needed to have an hour long quiet time and prayer every day, and 3. no matter how hard I tried to read and find other meaning beside what was written on the page, I couldn't.  It was extremely discouraging and frustrating.   So when I read that a quiet time is simply just a short period of time each day that you read His Word or do some kind of Bible based devotional and enjoy being in His presence, and that the Bible study time was the time that you gathered up all your tools and resources like concordances, Bible encyclopedia's, commentaries, etc. and devoted a couple hours to really studying and researching the Bible, I hope you can imagine what a "GLORAY" moment that was for me.  It was big.  In fact, let me just quote him here, "You should not try to do in-depth Bible study during your quiet time. In fact, nothing will kill your quiet time faster than engaging in serious Bible study during that devotional period.  ..While it is better to have a 10 minute quiet time every day than just a one-hour period once a week, the exact opposite is true in Bible study.  You cannot study the Bible effectively in a piecemeal fashion.  It is better to block out larger periods of time (two to four hours) than to try to study a little bit every day…"   Why have I never known this?!   It was such a relief to know it's ok to read just a portion of scripture or short devotional, think on it a little while and pray for my quiet time.   I'm going to BSF every week with Piper now (which has met so many needs and has been so… amazing…  again, SIGH).  They give out lesson's each week that we're to go home and complete.  It asks you to read a portion of scripture (We're in Genesis this year) and answer a couple question.   Guess how long it takes?   About 15-20 minutes. Wha'dyou know, an answer to one of my prayers.  It's not exactly light reading but it's not difficult either and it gives me direction in my quiet times so I'm not so schizophrenic in reading the Bible. (You ought to see how I spelled schizophrenic before spell check didn't know what I meant and I had to google it) 

Also, remember the prayer I had at the top of my list asking Him to give me passion for Him?   I can't get enough of Him and the Bible.   I mean, truly, seriously, I'm not exaggerating..    I think about it off and on all day long.   I want to stop and listen to sermons I pass while scanning the radio.   I read a verse and then find myself thinking about it at random times of the day.    And I don't say this for y'all (is anybody even still reading?  ..No?)  to congratulate me or anything.  And I'm not saying "Give God the glory" all while thinking "but yes, give me some".    I could pretty darn easily want to do that all the time but I'm turning from that part of me so that He gets what He deserves…   

He deserves praise, honor, glory and worship from one of His children who has been confused and afraid, lazy, self serving and easily distracted all her life.       I give Him praise as best I know how.   Thank you, Lord, so, so very much.   

So, I told you at the beginning it was simple and I know this is basically like watching a baby learn to walk.   Oh, it's more like watching a very awkward baby learn to roll over?   OK, yeah… I know it's pretty sad that it's taken this long for me to see these things and that I'm not exactly droppin' truth bombs here.  It's all so simple and yet, man, it's not.   There's so many requests I have that seem like too much.   I think, "I ask too much with this one".   But now I see that there's no requests that He considers asking too much.   He may chose to say no to that requests because it's not in His divine plan, but nothing is too much for Him.   So just like it felt impossible, after 20 years of lazy, half hearted struggling to get out of my spiritual rut and move forward, I now know that asking Him for passion and then simply knowing He will answer (because obviously, it IS His will for me to be passionate about Him) is what He would have me do with every request.  

So now that I know this, how can I apply it in my life?

I can apply it when I think of somebody I love who says they can't accept that Jesus is who He said He is. I can pray that Jesus would reveal the truth of Who He is to them in exactly the way they need.  I can think beyond how impossible it seems to me for them see, and know that He can and, I believe, will bring them into a full and satisfying knowledge that Jesus is the loving Son of God, who came as a real man to serve and die because He loves them.  He loves them so very much more than I do.  It may be years before He answers, but I know He will and I won't give up asking. I will constantly and persistently ask. I. won't. give. up.

And when I worry that I'll lose this passion as soon as the first storm hits my life, I know I can ask that He will grow my faith and dependence on Him to such an extent right now, that I can't breath or live without His presence in my life, no matter the circumstances.  That I would desire Him above everything else in this world and know that He will give it to me.    I just have to remember to be patient and give Him time to teach me how.

And that when I ask that He would make my life matter, somehow, even if in some very small way, He will do that.  

Thank you, Jesus, that you are faithful and gentle and patient and forgiving.   Thank you that you answer prayers and that You don't hide yourself from those Who earnestly seek you.  Thank you that, if not for Your prompting, we wouldn't even think to seek You out in the first place.

Also, please bless anybody who cares about me enough to have read to the end.  Help me be a blessing to them.

Amen.