I was reading another blog and it made me think about the hospital stay and those first few weeks after Piper was born. I had a c-section and I was completely terrified of the whole thing. I told Dr. Helmken I wasn't concerned for our safety - I trusted she knew what she was doing. No, it was the idea of being awake while they are cutting you open and moving things around inside of you. Turns out, at least for this particular c-section, it was no big deal. In fact, it was downright relaxing if you wanna know the truth. The whole experience is one of THE favorite memories of my life. One of the few bad memories of the experience came from having to be on a magnesium drip for my blood pressure. It made me feel flu-ish and extremely loopy. So much so that we had to have Piper taken to the nursery the first night. I hate that memory. It makes me want to go wake her up and kiss her.
But then the second day came and they were able to take me off that medicine and my head cleared. Everybody went home and left me and Carey to take care of this sweet, round headed, laid back little baby and I panicked. I still feel it when I think about it. I could not believe that I was the one who was left to make sure she was taken care of. What I remember the clearest from that night was that I actually decided that I just wouldn't sleep that night. I was too afraid that she'd spit up and choke and die. She cried and gagged and projectile spit up a couple times and all I could do was stand and cry when she did it because it made me feel like my fears were not ridiculous. Carey would wake up and have to calm me down before I could even think to put her down and clean myself up. I would hate to be able to see myself through Carey's memories of me. I did finally sleep about an hour around 5am but was quickly woken up by the nurse coming to check on us. Stupid nurse. Actually they were pretty awesome. One of the best parts of the hospital stay.
Anyway, we got home and I was so glad to be at home where things were comfortable and quiet. Carey is an expert at setting things up for someone who's just had surgery. He had pillows propped in such a way that it didn't even hurt to get out of bed. In fact, I don't remember much pain at all from the surgery. Mama would come and sit up with Pipes for a couple hours so that we could go in our room, shut the door and sleep. It's amazing how 2 hours of solid sleeping can suddenly feel like 12. Eventually though, I had to start doing it without mama and Carey's constant help and supervision. I would sit up at night feeding her and think over and over "Is this my life now?" There would be times when she would just cry and would be inconsolable and even when we found out it was due in large part to the acid reflux, it didn't make things any easier in knowing how to help her. I knew at the time and I sure know now that what I thought was a very fussy baby was actually just a normal baby. The doctors kept telling me "Just wait til she hits 3 months. All this will pass". So I'd tell myself over and over "just a few more weeks"... It's a shame. I wish I could slap my past self for even thinking that.
It's funny how something that feels so big and permanent can suddenly just stop and a new "big and permanent" takes over. And then you don't even remember what it was like before. You look at pictures and watch home videos and wish you had enjoyed the moment even more.
Boogers.
I don't know. It was too serious.
We were the same way with Cuyler- thinking he was a very fussy baby when it was all just normal fussing. Sad to say, we went thru almost a whole bottle of that Mylicon stuff in 1st month because every time he cried, we thought he had gas. Then I read a book that told me babies hardly have gas but parents just think they do. I felt so dumb! We had no clue what we were doing. Amazing that they still turn out okay. I think God sends us home with a few angels just to make sure.
ReplyDelete