A random story from a pregnant lady

I am 12 weeks along in my pregnancy.  I've felt... not great with this one.   Thankfully, I can tell I'm getting close to my 2nd trimester because the "morning" sickness is only at night before bedtime and the fatigue is letting up a good bit.   Unfortunately, in it's place has come the mother of all tension headaches that keeps appearing every day around lunch time for the past 2 weeks.

Yesterday, I went to the OB for my monthly appointment and she gave me muscle relaxers to help with my headaches.   I had a headache so I took one when I got home.  Well, 2 or 3 hours later I still had what now felt like an almost migraine.  Piper had just woken up from her nap but I sat her on the bed next to me and she happily watched what ended up being a couple hours of shows on Netflix. (Pretty unusual for her).

I get headaches a lot so I had tried EVERYTHING I knew that had helped me in the past.  It's been a tiring few weeks from feeling bad day in and day out so I was to the point of wanting to cry about it.  I finally lay there, trying to block out the sound and light with an ice pack, and through the fog of that headache all I could think was "Lord, there's nothing else I can do. I don't know what to do or what to ask from You".  

Then He said this verse to me.. "Come to me all you who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest"

I went to sleep repeating that verse and woke up a while later without a headache.  I have no doubt that He told me this promise for what He could do for me if I would trust Him.   During the two weeks I've had these, NOTHING has helped or stopped the headache once it began.  

Moral of the story for this follower of Jesus... He does not sit idly by while one of His children suffers.   And I thank you for that, Lord.

"I lift up my eyes to the hills- where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip- He who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, He who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep."

A truth from Him

There is such freedom in the Holy Spirit.

Living my life these last few months acknowledging the Holy Spirit to be a real Person in the Trinity and trusting Him to give me constant direction has allowed me to be free of:

The fear of hearing a sermon or reading a book, article or random internet posting that is false teaching that will lead me off course and confuse me. It's His will for me to know Truth. He will tell me what is Truth and what is lies.

The fear of never really knowing His will for my life.   It's His will for me to know His will.  He will make it known to me if I'll wait for Him to show it.  The waiting is the hard part.  The waiting is where Satan attacks me the hardest.  But He is there to help even then.

The fear of being too much apart of this world, of being too much of it. He goes with me where I go. I don't have to hold myself off, separate myself, live in a bubble or constantly worry that I'll slip back into old ways if I don't.   He goes with me into the world.  This is how I live in the world but not of it.

I must, must, must constantly humble myself and acknowledge that I can't do it on my own.  If I ask the Holy Spirit to make Himself real to me and then simply REST in knowing that I can trust Him to do just that.  After all, it absolutely is His will for me to know Him.

Lord, let Your good, pleasing, perfect, sovereign, confusing sometimes (for me), just, holy, hope filled will be done in me.   Because I see now that Your will sets me free.

I praise you, Father.  Not because You need it, for You are complete even without it. I praise You because it makes me whole and complete, because it's what I was created to do.  Help all of us who claim to be Yours really know the depth of this freedom.
Amen.

Get yourself some coffee and donuts and make yourself comfortable. This one's a doozie.

I have learned a life altering truth about having a relationship with Jesus I would like to share.

It's simply this. He wants us to ask for the things we need or want specifically and expectantly and persistently.    Maybe you knew that but I didn't.   

For basically most of my 27 (…27?  28? Snot, I forgot again) I've professed to be a Christian.   And for all of those years I know I have been saved because 1. I believed that I sin and there's no way I can help myself out of that sin that keeps me eternally separated from God, that 2. Jesus is the Son of God who took the overwhelming guilt of that sin on Himself, died and then rose again after conquering death and sin, which as a result, sets me free and assures me eternal life in Heaven with God because I believe those things. SHEW. (Sometimes it just feels good to write all that out).   I believed and professed to know all that.   OK, so my salvation is secured and I will never, ever lose it.   

However, for all those years I continually struggled to know Jesus and never felt like I could truthfully claim to have a thriving relationship with Him.   Having a relationship (man, I wish there was a word I could think of to use that isn't so overly used that it's almost meaningless) with the Lord felt unattainable to me.   Reading the Bible was boring (I'm just being honest) and praying felt like I was talking to myself and reading from a script I had memorized growing up.   I would ask God to help me to know Him and have a passion for His word in many, very cliche, church-y terms (not that there's anything wrong with those, you understand… I'm just sayin' maybe it is if, like I was, you're just repeating words you've heard that really mean nothing to you.) 

Then over the summer, I heard a series of sermons at CBC on Nehemiah.   The thing the Lord showed me through those first few sermons was that when we (believers) pray, we should pray expecting the Lord to answer.  Even if it takes months (as it did in Nehemiah's situation) or even years for Him to give His answer, we should be persistent in our asking and not give up.   That it's ok to ask for the things you want to see happen, knowing that His will, which is the very best way even if we don't think so, will be done. That we should even go so far as to prepare for what the next step is when He does answer.     

And then the pastor spent some time having us consider the bigness of God and what He is capable of doing (which I had done before, sort of, but not really).   He told us to remember this very important fact when we ask things from Him, and in remembering these things, have faith that God CAN do it.   

Faith is another word that I've heard all my life in church and also in non-spiritual terms to the point that it meant nothing to me.   Just in case you're wondering…. Faith is defined as complete trust or confidence in someone or something.  Yeah, you probably knew that but for whatever reason, I've been looking up definitions for terms I've always known and suddenly they're becoming… I don't know, real to me.    So then the verse in Hebrews that says "Now faith is the assurance that what we hope for will come about and the certainty that what we cannot see exists" has taken on a whole new meaning and a whole new way to apply it to my every day life.   

I feel like I should say, just for the sake of being clear, that this kind of asking and expecting has always seemed too much like the whole "name it and claim it" way of thinking to me.  But that's not what I'm talking or thinking here.   I'm not smart enough to go deeper into the differences by writing them out, but I just know there's a difference.   …One wants my way and my will then expects Him to give it, the other asks for things all while knowing/asking that His will would ultimately done..?   There. that's my simple way of explaining.   ...Is that right?...  I hope so because it's embarrassing to think somebody smarter than me (i.e.  you, probably) is reading this and shaking their head.  ::SIGH::

Anyway, so I learned that truth, and it helped give me a different perspective on how to pray, but it didn't really change much in regards to me and Jesus.  In an attempt to apply what I had learned, I wrote a prayer list. On the top of that list, selfishly, was that He would give me a passion for Him. I prayed for each thing as specifically as I could, trusting and believing that He would answer them.  Then not very many weeks ago (in other words, this is all still pretty fresh. Also, confession: I typed "another words" just now and almost didn't catch it) I watched an interview between John Piper and Rick Warren about some of Rick Warren's theology.  I could write a whole other post of ramblings on what I learned from that video but I won't.   Basically, the greatest thing I took away from that interview was that Rick Warren worded things in such a way to make things that had never been clear, clear to me. So I got on his website and watched some of his recent sermons. (which are… amazing.  Darn my un-imaginativeness with words!) Through his website, I found a book he wrote explaining the 12 methods of how to study the Bible.   

Did you know there's a difference between a quiet time and a Bible study?   I did not and I'm here to tell y'all, this knowledge set me free.  I've always, always, always dreaded quiet times because 1. like I said, reading the Bible usually was pretty boring to me, and 2. I felt guilty because I felt like I needed to have an hour long quiet time and prayer every day, and 3. no matter how hard I tried to read and find other meaning beside what was written on the page, I couldn't.  It was extremely discouraging and frustrating.   So when I read that a quiet time is simply just a short period of time each day that you read His Word or do some kind of Bible based devotional and enjoy being in His presence, and that the Bible study time was the time that you gathered up all your tools and resources like concordances, Bible encyclopedia's, commentaries, etc. and devoted a couple hours to really studying and researching the Bible, I hope you can imagine what a "GLORAY" moment that was for me.  It was big.  In fact, let me just quote him here, "You should not try to do in-depth Bible study during your quiet time. In fact, nothing will kill your quiet time faster than engaging in serious Bible study during that devotional period.  ..While it is better to have a 10 minute quiet time every day than just a one-hour period once a week, the exact opposite is true in Bible study.  You cannot study the Bible effectively in a piecemeal fashion.  It is better to block out larger periods of time (two to four hours) than to try to study a little bit every day…"   Why have I never known this?!   It was such a relief to know it's ok to read just a portion of scripture or short devotional, think on it a little while and pray for my quiet time.   I'm going to BSF every week with Piper now (which has met so many needs and has been so… amazing…  again, SIGH).  They give out lesson's each week that we're to go home and complete.  It asks you to read a portion of scripture (We're in Genesis this year) and answer a couple question.   Guess how long it takes?   About 15-20 minutes. Wha'dyou know, an answer to one of my prayers.  It's not exactly light reading but it's not difficult either and it gives me direction in my quiet times so I'm not so schizophrenic in reading the Bible. (You ought to see how I spelled schizophrenic before spell check didn't know what I meant and I had to google it) 

Also, remember the prayer I had at the top of my list asking Him to give me passion for Him?   I can't get enough of Him and the Bible.   I mean, truly, seriously, I'm not exaggerating..    I think about it off and on all day long.   I want to stop and listen to sermons I pass while scanning the radio.   I read a verse and then find myself thinking about it at random times of the day.    And I don't say this for y'all (is anybody even still reading?  ..No?)  to congratulate me or anything.  And I'm not saying "Give God the glory" all while thinking "but yes, give me some".    I could pretty darn easily want to do that all the time but I'm turning from that part of me so that He gets what He deserves…   

He deserves praise, honor, glory and worship from one of His children who has been confused and afraid, lazy, self serving and easily distracted all her life.       I give Him praise as best I know how.   Thank you, Lord, so, so very much.   

So, I told you at the beginning it was simple and I know this is basically like watching a baby learn to walk.   Oh, it's more like watching a very awkward baby learn to roll over?   OK, yeah… I know it's pretty sad that it's taken this long for me to see these things and that I'm not exactly droppin' truth bombs here.  It's all so simple and yet, man, it's not.   There's so many requests I have that seem like too much.   I think, "I ask too much with this one".   But now I see that there's no requests that He considers asking too much.   He may chose to say no to that requests because it's not in His divine plan, but nothing is too much for Him.   So just like it felt impossible, after 20 years of lazy, half hearted struggling to get out of my spiritual rut and move forward, I now know that asking Him for passion and then simply knowing He will answer (because obviously, it IS His will for me to be passionate about Him) is what He would have me do with every request.  

So now that I know this, how can I apply it in my life?

I can apply it when I think of somebody I love who says they can't accept that Jesus is who He said He is. I can pray that Jesus would reveal the truth of Who He is to them in exactly the way they need.  I can think beyond how impossible it seems to me for them see, and know that He can and, I believe, will bring them into a full and satisfying knowledge that Jesus is the loving Son of God, who came as a real man to serve and die because He loves them.  He loves them so very much more than I do.  It may be years before He answers, but I know He will and I won't give up asking. I will constantly and persistently ask. I. won't. give. up.

And when I worry that I'll lose this passion as soon as the first storm hits my life, I know I can ask that He will grow my faith and dependence on Him to such an extent right now, that I can't breath or live without His presence in my life, no matter the circumstances.  That I would desire Him above everything else in this world and know that He will give it to me.    I just have to remember to be patient and give Him time to teach me how.

And that when I ask that He would make my life matter, somehow, even if in some very small way, He will do that.  

Thank you, Jesus, that you are faithful and gentle and patient and forgiving.   Thank you that you answer prayers and that You don't hide yourself from those Who earnestly seek you.  Thank you that, if not for Your prompting, we wouldn't even think to seek You out in the first place.

Also, please bless anybody who cares about me enough to have read to the end.  Help me be a blessing to them.

Amen.

"Be okay. Be okay."

There are days that are still really hard.  Days that I get excited because I think I see someone I know in Chick-fil-a or in the checkout line at Target and I realize it can't be them, they're 700 hundred miles away.  Days that I want to show MLK (a.k.a Mama, Lindsay and Kaylyn) my brand new shoes or Piper's awesome new hoodie and I realize, again, that I'll have to wait til Christmas for them to really appreciate it (because skype and facetime just don't do things justice sometimes).   And there are days that I realize how lonely Piper Rosey is for her Tivoli and Cutler or just some kind of friends to play with.  Those are the hardest days.

But today... Today is not one of those days.

Today is a good day.

Thank you, Jesus, for good days.

And for video chat.  Thank you a million times for video chat.

"Sunshine, lollipops, rainbows and lemon drops."

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-- think about such things."

Know what?  I got the sadness out of my system for now.  I'm back to thinking about the things I'm looking forward to.  I'm gonna share those things so I don't get bogged down in the sad stuff.  Life's too short to always be thinking about sad things. 

If I ever read this when I am sad, I will want to punch myself in the face.  Sorry future self.

I'm excited about being in Evansville for the fall.  

I'm excited about the leaves changing.

I'm excited about it actually being truly cold for Thanksgiving and Christmas.

I'm excited about sweaters and jackets.

I'm excited about big, open skies. 

I'm excited about the clear air that makes everything look brighter.

I'm excited about living in the apartment for a while.

I'm excited about living near Janet, Mark, Christopher and Casey.

I'm excited about Walmart.  (The Walmart is super clean.  ...It's the little things)

I'm excited about Turoni's pizza.

I'm excited about Donut Bank.  

I'm excited about Target Supercenter.

I'm excited about looking for a house.  

I'm excited about blowing up Pinterest with all my plans for our new house.

I'm excited about going to Trees and Trends with Janet.

I'm excited about getting involved at church as a family.

I'm excited about the (hopefully not so intense) summer's.

I'm excited about snow.

I'm excited about singing "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas" and knowing it could happen.  It could happen, dangit!

I'm excited about weekend road trips.

I'm excited about coming home for Christmas.

I'm excited about meeting everybody in Disney for family vacations.

Most of all, I'm excited that Carey won't have to travel anymore.  

I'm excited that we'll be able to go to church... as a family... on a Wednesday night.

I'm excited that he'll get up and go to work in the morning and then ::GASP:: come home in the afternoon.

I'm excited that he'll get to play with Piper while I cook supper.

I'm excited about sitting down to eat, every night, as a family.

I'm excited to watch TV together every night.

I'm excited about nightly walks or bike rides.

I'm excited about renting a movie, ordering pizza and having a movie date night... on a Tuesday night.

I'm excited that he'll need me to iron his work clothes for him.

I'm excited to hang his clothes in the closet.

I'm excited that Piper will wake up calling Dah and he'll be there to answer her. 

I'm excited about being together.

The things I'll miss.

This is a list of things I'll miss when we move to Indiana.  Feeling a little bummed out tonight and thought if I write it out it'll make me feel better.  I read somewhere that writing it out helps. 

Here goes...

I'll miss Halloween in this house.  I'll miss carving pumpkins in our backyard, with the tiki torches and fire pit lit and the stereo system playing our ridiculously uncool Grooveshark Halloween playlist.  I'll miss having our family Halloween party here, with all of us dressing up and letting Tivoli hand out candy to the trick or treaters. 

I'll miss this house that we've griped and complained over more than we've appreciated.  I'll miss it's cozy, homey, small house feel.  

I'll miss Piper's room every time I remember sitting in there before she was born, wondering what it would be like when she finally was here.  I'll miss the way it smells like her in there. 

I'll miss riding to Krispy Kreme and then to the beach with Lindsay, Tivoli, Cutler and Mama every week during the summer.

I'll miss the beach.

I'll miss being 4 hours from Disney and being able to take last minute, "just a quick trip there" vacations.

I'll miss the long springs and probably even the mild winters.  

I'll miss the marsh smell.

I'll miss Homegoods and its wonderfully early displays of Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas decorations.

I'll miss all our doctors that I feel like I worked so hard to find.

I'll miss Soho and it's grilled cheese sandwich with a side of tomato basil soup.

I'll miss downtown.  

I'll miss Baker's Pride and those darn petit fours.

I'll miss having Kaylyn or Gable randomly stop by to play with Piper for a minute.

I'll miss having a whole family of babysitters within 10 minutes of us.

I'll miss my fellow mama-friends, Sara and Winter, and our lunch/play dates.

I'll miss seeing Piper get SO excited to see Tivoli and Cutler, even though she just saw them yesterday.

I'll miss my Tee-bo and Cutler-man. I'll miss them coming to our house to play every week.

I'll miss being able to ask Piper "you wanna go see Nonnie and Doodah, Uncle Dude and Aunt Boop?" basically every other night of the week.

I'll miss spending pretty much every day with Lindsay.  I'll miss our ::cue circus music:: trips with the children to Walmart and Target for groceries.

Most of all, I'll miss Lindsay. I'll miss Mama.  I'll miss Kaylyn.  I'll miss Gable and Daddy and Chace.  I'll miss them most when I know they're all getting together one night just to eat supper.

I'll miss all the things that I've never given a second thought to.

It hasn't made me feel better, P.S.  It's clear to me now that the writer of that article is a doofus.

To my Pipes.

Piper Rosey,

We watch Veggie Tales a lot lately.  You like to bounce up and down to the theme song and you clap when it's over.  Veggie Tales is a fun show, isn't it Dolly?   It's entertaining, fun to sing along to and has a good messages to teach.  

If you're anything like I was, there will probably be many nights in our future that we are up at 2am singing "God is bigger than the boogie man" after a bad dream.  And really, when is it not a good occasion to sing "Stand up! Stand up! For what you believe in... believe in... believe in God... He's the one to back you up! ..will stand with you. He'll stand with you"  We should always remember that.   And it's good that Larry and Bob remind you that "God made you special and He loves you very much".  He does, girlie, and He HAS made you special.   

There is one thing I would like to explain to you about that, though.   God is a good God, Pipes. Until you know it for yourself, you will just have to trust mama.  He is good.  And He is such a good God that He has made us each special to Him.  But, girlie, we do nothing on our own to make us special.   Always try to remember that you are special because HE made you that way.  Try to remember to be thankful to the big God who made the whole universe... who tells the night when to end, the flowers when to bloom and the sun when to shine. Be thankful that this same God made you, Piper Rosey.  The One who made you and said "This one will be especially friendly and kind."    What I'm saying is, don't be thankful that you are special. Be thankful that God created you just as you are and His love is what makes you so special.   

I hope some day you will know all of this for yourself.  Not because Mama and Da tell you so, but because Jesus has told your heart it's so.

I love you more than I can ever tell you, Piper Rose, and I'm glad He's made you mine.

Mama