In Your name

"Many will say to Me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in Your name, and in Your name cast out demons, and in Your name perform many miracles?' "And then I will declare to them, 'I never knew you; depart from Me, you who practice lawlessness.’ 

Matthew 7:22-23

These people are able to cast out demons and perform many miracles and yet He says He never knew them. How is that even possible? I have asked the Lord this question so many times these last few years. If I’m honest, this has been a verse that has been so discouraging to me. How can anyone be certain of their salvation if even those who can cast out demons be unsaved in the end? 

But He has answered me and this is now one of the most encouraging verses in the whole Bible to me.

Three times He says “in Your name”. In His name they did all these things and yet He says He never knew them and sends them away from Him in judgement.

Jesus' name is so powerful that even those unknown to Him, "who practice lawlessness” can perform miracles. The demons have to flee when they speak His name, not because of anything that person is, but because even demons tremble in fear at just the mention of His name.

I have prayed things all my life “in Jesus name” while entertaining thoughts of doubt of His power and ultimate control over all things. I have prayed for Jesus to open loved ones eyes to Him and cause them to finally, truly live, all while doubting that He can really move in these who seem so stubborn in their unbelief.  I have despaired even while praying "in His name" over fellow believers who are struggling with issues that keep them defeated and discouraged.

No... it just won’t do. Not anymore. I see now. 

“There is not a square inch in the whole domain of our human existence over which Christ, who is Sovereign over all, does not cry: 'Mine!’” Jesus reigns in all things. And even speaking His name unleashes His might and power and goodness and life giving light in this dark world. I wonder how much more victorious the Church would be if we would grab hold of this truth and live our lives through this filter.

And so I say --- Jesus… Jesus... Jesus! Come, Lord Jesus. Teach us to take hold of the authority You were pleased to give us so that we can take back these things that the enemy has stolen. For Your glory and Your pleasure. You deserve so much more than we could ever give and yet You are pleased with us anyway.

Thank You, Jesus.

Then I heard the Lord asking, "Whom should I send as a messenger to this people? Who will go for us?" I said, "Here I am. Send me."   Isaiah 6:8

Grace

I have a confession to make that will probably not surprise anyone.   These last 2 weeks I have had moments of despairing over losing Tobi that I haven’t felt since right after she died.  

I have celebrated and looked at baby pictures of friends who were pregnant at the same time as me. Some who were many months behind me are now having their babies.  I look at the pictures of their babies and I ache at realizing the favor the Lord gives us in allowing us to give birth and raise up children.  Just like He delights in giving us marriage so we would not be alone but to be unified in our cause for following Him, He also delights in giving us children.  I think a lot since Tobi died on how little I thank Him that He is so good that He delights in giving us such gifts.  (Oh how we should train ourselves to stop in our complaining about them and think more and more on what a great and wonderful God we serve that allows us to not be alone but be husbands and wives and mama’s and daddy’s.)   

But while I am so happy to see the pictures of these children that He loves being born one right after another to mama’s and daddy’s that He loves equally as much, I find myself having to turn away and not look at them for too long.  Even now, just writing about this makes my heart feel so swollen and bruised that I feel it might cut off my breathing.  

I worry a lot lately that everyone is tired of hearing me talk about this.  I worry that people read my statuses with Bible verses about sorrow and suffering and how He restores our joy and roll their eyes thinking, “Here she goes again.  Come on, Bevin… now you're just looking for attention.”  I hope this isn’t the case and honestly, even it if I knew for certain it is what everyone thinks, I still would write it.  I still would talk about it.  I believe that He’s allowed this with Tobi so that maybe even just 1 of His lost sheep would hear my testimony of His faithfulness and strength and would follow Him back to the 99.  Maybe that won’t happen, but I can’t make myself be quiet.  He has been too good.  It just won't do to be silent. 

When I’ve come to those moments of great sadness these last couple months, I have found that for me, speaking about His goodness makes me feel joy in the midst of my sorrow that I can’t explain to someone who doesn’t know it for themselves. It actually seems to me like it’s my antidote for sorrow - to speak of who He is.  I have overflowed with messages from Him, some that I’ve written on this blog because HE told me what to write.  I've made it a rule to wait on a message from Him before I write so that they're easy and quick to write. It doesn’t take a lot of deleting and tedious rewording because it just… flows out.  But these last couple weeks He has remained silent and has not given me any kind of message about this new thing I’m feeling.  He has given me words about other things.  Things I should be praying for for others who are going through completely different kinds of hard times at the moment.  

These last few days, I’ve found myself wondering when I'd cry til my eyes were swollen why it felt so fresh again. 

No, not even "again"… it just feel fresh. Like it’s a new thing that I haven’t experienced yet.  And as I’ve looked at all these pictures (that I seek out, by the way, because I really do like to see them) of friends with newborns babies, babies that would be Tobi’s exact age, and pictures of the older siblings studying their new baby brother/sister, I’ve come to realize that it’s because I fully see how different our life looks to what it should look like through seeing these pictures.  Tobi should be smiling now like that little girlie is in that picture.  Carey should be posting pictures of me laying next to her asleep like that friend is with her baby boy.  And now every month that I find that I’m not pregnant and I realize, again, that even if I were pregnant yesterday, Piper will still be an older, older sibling and it will be a long while before I get to hold and smell our own little one again.  And y’all, it just hurts.  It hurts so bad to realize it over and over again. 

I know that the Lord will probably very soon give us another baby and I hope He will give us many, including adopted children. But these last few days I have despaired. I have despaired over Piper still being an only child, over watching her growing fascination with babies, over not being able to be completely happy, with NO sadness or feelings of envy for friends who are pregnant and giving birth. So, I told Him again tonight that Carey and I will take however many and whoever He wants us to have.  However many.  I wrote it in my prayer journal because I wanted to make the statement not only out loud, but in ink, so that it would always be there to remind me that He is our daddy and He delights to give us what is good for us in the timing that He knows is good for us.  I wrote “I ask this of You, my daddy.  You know best and I trust You”.  I never call Him that but tonight I liked the familiarity of it and of the reminder of how I feel towards my earthly daddy and how I know he feels about me.

And then as I went to close the journal the verse on the top of the page (they wrote a verse on each page in this particular notebook) caught my eye, even though I usually don’t read them anymore.  

“Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart.”  

Psalm 37:4

 I love this verse and He knows it.  It’s one of my favorites and one I repeated over and over to myself as I struggled trying to figure out if it was the Lord’s will for me to have a VBAC or not with Tobi. I decided to go back and read the whole of Psalm 37 because I’ve always loved so much of that particular Psalm.  After I read it, I absentmindedly flipped through the subsequent chapters and my attention caught on Psalm 40:5 where I had highlighted “I desire to do your will”.   I went back to start at the beginning and here’s what the Lord finally answered to my despair...

“I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and He turned to me and heard my cry”  

 Thank You, Lord that You say You’ve heard my crying.

“He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along”  

Thank You that Your grace won’t allow me to sink in this quick sand of sadness.  You give me You, Jesus, as my solid ground to set my feet on; to walk steady and sure along. 

“He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what He has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in the Lord.”  

You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth (OT symbol of mourning) and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to You and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will praise you forever.  ...Forever, Lord.

“OH, the joys of those who trust the Lord, who have no confidence in the proud or in those who worship idols.”

Thank You that because of these hard things, I know the joy of trusting no one but You. You cause me to put no confidence in anything or anyone but You, oh my faithful Abba.

"Oh Lord my God, You have performed many wonders for us. Your plans for us are too numerous to list. You have no equal. If I tried to recite all Your wonderful deeds, I would never come to the end of them.” 

Your plans are too numerous to list.  You have no equal.  If I tried to tell of Your wonderful deeds, I would never, NEVER come to the end of them but let me never stop reciting them anyway.

“You take no delight in sacrifices or offerings. Now that you have made me listen, I finally understand - You don’t require burnt offerings or sin offerings. Then I said, “Look, I have come. As is written about me in the Scriptures: I take joy in doing Your will, my God, for your instructions are written on my heart.'”  

You don’t desire ritual and religion from me, but devotion and obedience with a joyful heart. Now that You have made me listen, I do finally understand.  And because You made me understand, I have great joy in doing Your will.   Your instructions are wonderful and Your word is life to me.  Thank You that if not for Your grace, I would still not understand.

“I have told all Your people about Your justice. I have not been afraid to speak out, as You, O Lord, well know. I have not kept the good news of Your justice hidden in my heart. I have talked about Your faithfulness and saving power. I have told everyone in the great assembly of Your unfailing love and faithfulness.”  

I will not keep silent, Lord.  I will tell everyone in the great assembly of Your unfailing love and faithfulness. I will wait patiently for You and "repeatedly shout 'The Lord is great!’"

He answers even when we don’t know what we despair over.  So listen carefully, and He will tell You what You should do.

Grace -  Kindness from God that we do not deserve.    

You were there

Around September last year I began seriously thinking about asking my OB at the time if I could try for a VBAC. I had a c-section with Piper, not because it was medically necessary, but because it was just quicker, I was afraid and basically just stupid for not weighing my options more seriously. I went in for my first visit around 10 weeks and asked her if she would let me try a VBAC with Tobi. Afterwards, I went home pretty certain that she really didn't intend to let me try even though she said we "could see". I had already felt like I should begin searching for a new OB when I found out I was pregnant because of some other issues that were unrelated to the doctor. And so after I left the office that day I determined that I would begin praying that if I was to move, that the Lord would make it very clear and that He would tell me what OB to change over to. A fews days later, I had an appointment with Dr. Crute at Memorial for my 16 week visit because He had told me I was to go to her.

As a side note - I hope I never forget to ask of the Lord's opinion for who takes care of our medical needs from here on because I could never have picked on my own a doctor and an office full of people who seem to care more for the patients they see. He showed Himself to be the God who cares about our inquiring of Him in even the smallest details of life.

Anyway, Dr. Crute saw me and said that she would be fine with pursuing a VBAC as long as everything continued as they were. I was so happy with even just the possibility of having one and couldn't understand why because I honestly enjoyed my c-section with Piper. It was totally trauma free and the recovery was actually pretty easy and quick. I was ok with the idea of having another c-section but I was concerned because Carey and I had decided that we wanted to have a fairly big family. I had asked my original OB how dangerous it was to keep having repeat c-sections 3, 4, maybe even 5 times. She had even acknowledged that it did become risky the more c-sections you had and Dr. Crute seemed to agree with me that if I wanted to pursue a VBAC for that reason that it was a good reason to pursue it.

So I began asking the Lord to change my desires to be what He wanted for me. My logic was that He knows the future, how many children He will give us, how risky multiple c-sections really are to me specifically, and so on. "Delight yourselves in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." I would repeat that verse to Him throughout the whole pregnancy and say that if my desires in this thing didn't line up with His will, to change them to be what He willed. I struggled through the last 6 months of wanting a VBAC one minute and then the next just wanting what was familiar in a c-section. I was afraid of the risks of a VBAC and the possibility that I might labor for hours and then still have to have a c-section. I thought about every possible detail of both situation so many times I began feeling like I was going to drive myself and Carey crazy towards the end.

The Lord has shown so much of His goodness to me these last couple years and through all of this I kept telling Him that if He gave me a specific word of which direction He wanted me to take, that I would put my faith wholeheartedly in that promise from Him. I had learned from Him earlier that year that Abraham's belief in God's promise was credited to him as righteousness because he had a specific promise from the Lord about having a son. The Lord is pleased by our faith when we hear or know a promise from Him and we simply believe it, no matter what the situation looks like to contrary. So I decided that I would continue seeking a specific promise for Tobi's delivery to put my full weight of trust in.

For 6 months I asked the Lord to change my desires if they didn't line up with His will. For 6 months I struggled with and then surrendered my will to His over and over and each time I left the struggle with the same strong desire to have a VBAC.

Towards the end, Tobi began showing up on the ultrasounds as being about two weeks bigger than what was average. The last couple ultrasounds she was measuring in, I think, the 75th percentile, and we were concerned that it was going to be a simple matter of her being too big for me to have a successful VBAC.

But again, I wrestled... I pursued Him and each time I felt the calm of Him continuing to say to pursue a VBAC. I figured that the God who parted the sea could most definitely cause things to work out in the end, no matter what her size or anything else said otherwise.

Then she didn't come at 40 weeks and I wasn't progressing in any way. She was still head down but she was very high and they didn't want me going past 41 weeks. So I went in the Thursday before Mother's day and Dr. Crute had Julie, her nurse and my friend, go ahead and schedule my c-section for the following Tuesday - right at my 41 week mark. She encouraged me that I might still go into labor on my own but that we needed to go ahead and deliver her via c-section if she didn't come by Tuesday.

So I went home and fought the hardest spiritual battle I had up to that point. I was miserable for all the rest of Thursday and Friday because I felt as though I suddenly had no way of knowing what to believe or how to proceed in praying and believing what I thought He had been telling me. Saturday morning came and Carey suggested I get out by myself for a while to try to de-stress, so I left out to go to Target for some last minute baby needs and decorations for her still not completed nursery.

I rode the entire 30 minutes listening to Kari Jobe songs and seeking the Lord on all of it. At that point I wanted a VBAC so badly but He had a few days before said inaudibly but almost in an audible voice "do you trust Me enough to give Me all your desires even if You don't know what the outcome will be?" I was dumbfounded by the fact that now He wanted me to hand over my strongest desires that I had wrestled with so much and trust Him, even if He never told me what path He would lead me down.  

That day I drove and sang to Him, "Jesus, lover of my soul. All consuming fire is in Your gaze. Jesus, I want You to know... I will follow You all of my days. No one else in history is like You and history itself belongs to You. Alpha and Omega, You have loved me. And I will share Eternity with You. It's all about You, Jesus, and all this is for You, for your Glory and Your fame. It's not about me, as if You should do things my way. You alone are God and I surrender to Your ways."

I cried as I struggled to surrender and finally I sang with all my heart "It's not about me, as if You should do things my way. You alone are God and I surrender to Your ways" and for the first time in those 6 months, I surrendered fully my desires to Him, trusting Him to work His "good, pleasing and perfect will" out regardless of whether I knew what to pray for specifically or not. Regardless of whether I knew what to trust Him for specifically. I told Him I knew He was good and that I was choosing to trust Him with my whole heart and its wants. I walked around in Target and for the first time was able to look at baby things and be excited with no thought of how she would get here because no matter what, I told myself, she would be here one way or another in a few days.

And then the devastation of Mother's Day happened and I lay in that bed saying over and over to myself, Carey and even Dr. Crute (who wasn't on call but came in anyway to hug me) that if I hadn't been pursuing a VBAC I would have had a c-section probably a week or two before then and "Tobi would be here now." Despite everybody telling me not to think that way that was something I couldn't stop thinking about.  How could I ever trust Him and obey again after this?  How do I ever come back from this? And through it Jesus comforted me.  That's all I know to say about it… He comforted me because He understand everything I feel because He was as I am.

Then one day during the darkest times I've had so far, I lay on the couch and told the Lord that I didn't know how I would ever be able to trust and have faith again. I had obeyed Him in every way I knew how and I was now laying at home wanting to go to sleep and never wake up because my Tobi Ruth was gone and I would never know her as my baby doll here on earth and I was afraid of what He was going to do next.

And as I cried telling Him this, the words "He determines our days" flashed in my head. I googled it and found out it was Job 14:5 "Man's days are determined; You have decreed the number of his months and have set limits he cannot exceed."

..He sets limits man cannot exceed...

I listened as He told me that He determines the number of our days and that the limit of Tobi's days was May 11th. He led my thoughts to realized that He had me pursue a VBAC all those months because if I had not sought Him out or had decided to go my own way, I would have delivered her a week or two before, she would have come home with us… Piper would have loved on her, gotten attached to her and then at some point on May 11th, I would have gone to see about her and found a lifeless little girl. She would have likely been labeled a SIDS baby and we would have had the added grief and trauma of trying to help Piper understand what happened to the little sister she had gotten so attached to. Carey and I would probably have tortured ourselves over what we could have done differently or what might have caused her to suddenly just die for no apparent reason.

As I lay there thinking through this new thought, the Lord told me to remember that in every difficulty of life to look for how He has been merciful. He told me to remember that so that I could tell it to someone else when they're going through a hard time. "Look for how I've been merciful. And if You can't see, then ask Me to show You", He said. He chose the most gentle way possible for Tobi to go because He is compassionate. Tobi's life's purpose was best served in the days He had determined for her and because He helped me to obey Him, we were spared unimaginable grief beyond what we have gone through.

I would never, never have chosen this if I had had a say in the matter but I can now say that I would never change things. I will always miss and ache for Tobi while I'm here on earth. I've decided that the loss of a child is like living with chronic pain. You get so used to the constant hurt that you don't notice it until something random makes you aware of it. I am always aching but the Lord has been gracious to let me have joy again. And this joy is a new joy that I've never known before. I would never change things because this has let me see the compassion of God that I've always spoken of but never really understood for myself. It has let me know Jesus in ways that I couldn't do justice to in words. It has shown me how He blesses us with joy, peace and even happiness, even in great pain, when we obey and simply just trust Him. He gives me the ability to sing to Him a new song that I've never been able to sing before. He tells me "Come rest in me and be made whole" and I find that I am whole for the first time.

I miss her, Lord. I ache for a house full of children. I want a little sister or brother for Piper right now… this very minute.  But I trust You. You make all things right.

"So there he stood upon that hill

Abraham with knife in hand was poised to kill

But God in all his sovereignty had bigger plans

And just in time, You brought a lamb

You were there,

You were there

In the midst of the unclear

You were there, you were there always

You were there when obedience

Seemed to not make sense

You were there, You were always there

You were always there

So haven't I learned that my ways

Aren't as high as Yours are

And You alone keep the universe

From crumbling into dust

You are God and though we would

Not have understood You

There You were

Hanging blameless on a cross

You would rather die than leave us in the dark

Every moment, every planned coincidence

Just all makes sense

With Your last breath

You were there, You were there

During history's darkest hour

You were there, You were there always

You were the Victor and the King

You were the power in David's swing

You were the calm in Abraham

You are the God who understands

You are the strength when we have none

You are the living, Holy one

You were, You are and You will always be

the Risen Lamb of God!"

Though You take from me

This is the one song we played at Tobi's funeral.  The Lord had played it over and over in my head and I listened to it probably a hundred times through the 3 months leading up to Tobi's death.  I thought it was a message I was to have to encourage those around me.  I had no idea He wanted me to memorize it because it was the message He would use to give us the grace to bless His name at the funeral of our daughter.

"It wasn't meaningless".  How many times did He say that to me while I lay in the bed waiting to go in for surgery to deliver the lifeless girlie I had made so many plans for?  How many times has He reassured me since then?  

"Though You take from me, I will bless Your name".   I remember admitting to the Lord about a month before she died that I didn't know if I would be able to say that if He took from me someone I love.  And now He has helped me to understand that I was right.  I was never capable of saying that.  When You are broken and You surrender to His will, the Victor and the King is able to say things through you that you listen to yourself saying and wonder at His power and strength.

"Therefore, therefore, do not lose heart. But take these truths and day by day focus on them.  Preach them to yourself every morning. Get alone with God and preach His word into your mind until your heart SINGS with confidence that you are new and cared for."  

I can now encourage you from a heart of experience that I have found this to be true.  Do not lose heart. Get alone with God everyday and preach His word into your mind and heart.  Let the Holy Spirit be your comforter and friend. When you are angry, discouraged, afraid or confused ask Him to preach His word to you.   And before long your heart will SING with confidence that He has made you new and that He cares for you in ways our little minds can't fathom.  And because He remembers that we are dust, He will show you how He cares for you in ways that are small enough for you to understand but that will make you feel as if your whole being will explode with joy from the knowledge of it. 

Tobi would have been two months in a few days, Lord.  I sing my song to You - the One who's all I need.

I trust You. 

Hope

A couple days before Memorial day weekend I sat down to look up and study the scripture "Those who hope in Me will not be disappointed".  It was another verse He kept repeating in my head and so I sat down to figure out what hoping in the Lord really meant.  

As I studied I realized the thing I lacked at that moment was hope.  As I've said before, it's my nature to see life (mostly) as glass half full, so to feel so hopeless about the future was almost as devastating to me as losing Tobi.  

As silly as it may sound to anyone else, from the moment they told us she was gone I felt our future of having a lot of children and even having anymore children biologically was gone.  Yes, there was nothing wrong with me physically and there was nothing that caused what happened to Tobi that would make a rational thinking person to think they were no longer able to have children, but in my despair that was what it felt like.  Grief, and more than that, the enemy, makes you think some crazy things. All I worried our future held was years of trying without success, miscarriages or more stillborn babies.  

And so that night, a few days before Memorial day, I asked the Lord to teach me about how to hope in a way that was truth and not false hope that leads to bitter disappointment.  And among many other things He told me, He brought me to the scripture that says "My soul, wait in silence for God only, for my hope is from Him."   One commentary I found said this of hope; "He is the God of hope, therefore He is the SOURCE of hope.  If we are going to have hope it must come from Him, for He alone has the power to give it."  I ended the Bible study asking the Giver of hope to give me hope again.

And then Memorial day came and I had one of the hardest days I have yet experienced through all of this.  I sat and told Carey every question, every doubt, every angry thought I had been fighting those few days leading up to it. I told him that after all the times I had said over and over these last two years of how good God has shown Himself to be, that I could not, in that moment, remember one thing that was an evidence of what I meant when I said He is good.  

It is a devastating thing to feel like two years of spiritual victory after spiritual victory has been stolen from your memory.  I knew that I had not just said those things without having good reason to say it but I simply couldn't remember what they were.  So many times growing up I would hear someone say that the Lord is compassionate, or He is faithful or He is good and I would secretly think to myself, "They're just saying that to sound like a good little Christian but I bet they couldn't give any evidence of how He has specifically shown Himself to be any of those things to them personally".  And on Memorial day, as I sat talking it all over with Carey, I was devastated to realize that I was right back to that place of doubting because I literally couldn't remember a single thing He had taught me and shown me of His character.  

In my journal around this time I wrote "One way I remembered He is good… He answers when we seek Him and ask Him. Maybe not quickly or right away, but I know He will answer me. I can thank Him ahead of time for the answer I know will come."

A week later I was thinking about how much I miss Tobi's name being used every day, many times a day, in our conversations with each other. I loved her name, not just because I thought it was pretty, but because it meant so much to us that the Lord had given us her name and that it meant what it did.  

I've made a habit to go into her room, or rather the nursery, just to stand and face the special pain that comes when I'm in there because my logic is that if I face it enough times it will either lessen the pain over time or I will become desensitized to it and not feel it as much. I stand and look at all of Piper's hand me down clothes that still hang in the closet ready for the next girl that might come along. I stand and think how I want so badly for the Lord to give us another baby, any baby, right now.  I tell Him every time that I'm ready whenever He wants to give us another. And I'm even honest with Him and say I want to know when that will be.  

So that day when I was thinking how much I grieve losing Tobi's name and everything it means to us, I realized the obviously thing was that all I have to do is ask Him to name the next one for us.  I got in the car with Piper to run errands and I very quickly told Him how much I'd love it if He'd give us another name with equally meaningful meaning and I even asked Him if He could tell me the name now so I could at least know that.  I'll be honest, I walked away from that prayer and assumed that was probably not something I would get right now.

That night I fell asleep on the couch while watching a movie with Carey.  As I lay there I had a dream that we were in a situation where we had a baby but we had to name the baby RIGHT THEN and I was panicked because I wanted the Lord to give us the name but He hadn't yet.  Carey woke me up to go to bed and as I fully woke up the name Tabitha Hope was almost literally ringing in my ears. I paid attention to it because I couldn't remember the last time I had heard the name Tabitha - besides that being the name of the little girl on Bewitched.  It was odd, too, because in the moment it wasn't one that I would have liked and picked on my own.

I went to bed but turned on my phone to look up what Tabitha means because I was curious.  The first thing that came up on my google search was that Tabitha is a Hebrew name and is best know from a woman written about in Acts 9, also known as Dorcas (the Greek translation of Tabitha). I looked it up and found that she was a disciple who was always doing good and helping the poor. In the passage, Peter was summoned to her house because she had died.  He went upstairs where a bunch of widows were and they showed him all of the cloaks she had made them while she was alive. Peter sent them all out and kneeled beside her and prayed. He then turned to her and said "Tabitha, get up" and she opened her eyes and got up.  He then called the widows and all the disciples in to see that she was alive. It ends saying that many heard her story and believed in the Lord because of it.  

At something like 3am, I sat reading that passage with my mouth open.  I saw so many different levels of meaning in it, many that I'm sure some cynical or jaded person might say is me just search for ANY meaning from a silly dream but that I know was anything but just a silly dream.   The next day, I was telling my aunt the story and trying to put into words what I thought about it and she interrupted to say "He raises hope from the dead".

This, friends, is what I mean when I say the Lord is good...

He hears the prayer of a brokenhearted mother who just lost a child that she had prayed for and wanted so badly before she even knew she was pregnant.  He hears a timid request of a child of His who just wants to know that there will be another little girl to wear those clothes that hang so neatly in the closet. 

And because He is a mysterious but exceedingly gracious God, He decided to give this child the exact thing she asked for in this one thing because He knows it will remind her that He is good in ways that effect us in deeply personal ways.

And although I realize it could be years before He gives us this little girl, He has given us the very precious gift of knowing her name in the meantime. And I remind myself that my hope is not in the little girl who He has already named but in the God Who is kind enough to give such a gift.

And I will now forever testify that while He did take Tobi, He also gives us Tabby.  Tabby Hope.  Because He is the God Who raises hope from the dead. 

"I am still confident of this:

I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.

Wait for the Lord;

be strong and take heart 

and wait for the Lord."

Psalm 27:13&14

Another battle cry

I didn't expect going to Disney to hurt so much. I knew to expect some pain just not the amount I've experienced today. 

Because I'm wired to enjoy the anticipation of something as much as the actual thing itself I've imagined and planned this first trip after her being born down to very small, silly details.  I had a plan for how I would care for both of them from the front seat on the drive down since sitting in the back to entertain would no longer be an option.  But instead that seat remained empty, apart from pillows and random things thrown on it.  Piper doesn't even need me for entertainment anymore because she has reached that wonderful age that coloring, reading and pretending is fun to her.

I had a plan to mostly keep Tobi in a sling and would rely heavily on Carey to keep up with Piper now that she is old enough to walk a bit more.  I imagined how proud I would be of Piper as she sat in the stroller  next to Tobi and tried to help out.  I've pretended and imagined so many times with her in the last 6 months about how Tobi would cry a lot but that she could rub her stomach and say "it's okay Tobi. It's ok. Piper's right here" and how much that would be a help to me. But instead I walked with my arms completely free most of the day. I watched as Piper climbed in and out of her same single stroller like such a big girl. 

I bought a couple dresses this week and was so excited to see how "little" I was and how well they seemed to fit.  But then today I passed a mirror and saw my still need to lose a good bit of weight and still a bit swollen from a c-section stomach poking through that dress and had a moment of awful realization. The reason I was so happy with how I looked at home was because some how in my mind I still think of myself as pregnant.  I still expect to see a stomach that is home to an overdue 9 1/2 lbs.  Instead I see a stomach that looks only about 6 months pregnant, my favorite time during pregnancy, when I'm still small-ish and things still fit comfortably. And so today when that moment of realization came, a part of me experienced a slightly new kind of pain because I realized there was still a part of me that is trying to deny that this last month has really happened.  As well as I now seem to do from day to day, I realized in that moment that everybody was right.  That it will take a long time to totally recover from this. And if I'm honest, that understanding makes me want to punch somebody in the face.

I want it to be over. I want to wake up tomorrow and not feel that ache the moment my mind wakes up enough to remember that Tobi's not here anymore. I want be able to remember her face and look at her pictures and not feel like my insides are coming unglued.  I want to be pregnant right now, moving again towards the finish instead of not even being anywhere near the starting line.

We've had this Disney trip unofficially planned for the last 3 months. It was going to be part of Piper's birthday celebration.  And for the last three months we've told her every time she asked when we were going that we had to wait on Tobi to come so I could ride Goofy's barnstormer with her (a kids roller coaster I couldn't ride because I was pregnant).  We told her we had to wait on Tobi so she could celebrate her birthday with us. And now for the last 4 weeks, each time Piper asked about going to Disney she would follow it up by saying "…and Tobi and Jesus are coming?" because we explained that Jesus took Tobi to live with Him instead of with us like we thought. She has accepted that explanation without many more questions but we are able to tell that she is still very bothered and confused by where Tobi is now that she's obviously not in my stomach anymore. This afternoon she was asking me about going to Magic Kingdom to ride Goofy's Barnstormer and after a minute of thinking she said "and we gonna see Tobi there?".  

…And I want to never feel that again.  I want to not have to try to figure out a way to help my 3 year old understand that Tobi is gone and we won't ever be able to see her here on earth.  I want to see her be able to accept it and not struggle on and on about why what we said was gonna happen hasn't happened.  

I want my incision to stop hurting so that I'm not constantly reminded that I had a baby a month ago. I want the panic of thinking, just for a second, "Where is she?! Where did I leave her?" to stop every time I remember I'm still recovering from her delivery.

I want to not feel such incredible envy over everyone else who hasn't experienced this particular kind of loss. I want to not see the pictures of their beautiful babies and their 3rd trimester selflies and think "I'll never be that carefree again".  I want to not worry over how we'll be able to enjoy the anticipation during the next pregnancy. I want to not dread the "waiting on the other shoe to drop" feeling I know I'll have to constantly bring before the Lord. It's my nature to always be looking for joy in things.. to look for the good things in the day... to expect the best from a situation. I want to not feel like there is a constant fight going on between that now old feeling nature and this new nature that worries about what plans we'll make that will never come to be. What new tragedy that will happen when we least expect it.

I want the Lord to make it all better. To speak the words and make the pain stop, cause a baby to be forming in me right now, make us have hope because we know exactly when and what good things are coming.  I've said it over and over to Him these last few days and every time I'm reminded that that's not how He works usually.  We learn great things through bringing our pain to Him every time we feel it. We learn patience in a way we wouldn't otherwise in waiting for the thing we desire most.  We learn best that only when we put our hope in Him and only Him, not the things we think we understand will happen, are we never disappointed. 

Jesus tells us not to worry about tomorrow. He has designed things so that we need to take it day by day, moment by moment. My sister in law, Chris, told us of a situation where, when she wanted to think the worst was going to happen, she chose to say over and over to Him "I trust You. I trust You".   And so this has become my other battle cry.  When all of me wants to yell and scream how incredibly unfair this all seems, I remember her advice to chose to trust Him. 

Yesterday and today, the Holy Spirit keeps repeating the verse "You hem me in - behind and before; You have laid Your hand upon me" in my mind like a song that gets stuck in your head and you can't get out.  I've never really thought about what that means.. "You hem me in".  Another translation says "You are all around me. You are behind me and in front of me". A commentary I found written by Charles Spurgeon describes it like "a prisoner marching along surrounded by a guard, and gripped by an officer".  

He reminds me in this that I cannot escape His presence. He is here when I am trusting and faithful. He is here when I am sinfully, arrogantly angry. He is here when I feel so alone and wonder desperately where He has gone. He is here and not only that, He has laid His hand upon me.  I cannot escape Him.

So forgive me, Lord, for being such an unfaithful, untrusting wretch. I know that good only come from me when You, Holy Spirit, bring it forth. I am a slave that You bought at a great price, but You are a patient and loving Master, Lord. You let me feel and know Your great compassion for my pain. You are the source and giver of true hope and You give it generously when I ask it of You.  

And so I trust You, Lord. 

I trust You.

On the hard days

Today was not a good day. Today I woke dreaming about Tobi.

Most days, I'm alright. I think I almost even act like my old self most days. I have moments of not being ok each day but it's bearable and it doesn't last for too long.

But today I missed Tobi. I miss her as if she were someone I had known my whole life. From the time we decided on her name, around November of last year, we have used it in our normal conversations throughout the day. It was no different than the way we talk about Piper. She was a person and it didn't matter that we hadn't all officially met, she was apart of our lives now. And now there's some days that we don't use her name at all. Some days there's just simply no reason to. There's some days that we go about our life like before...as if the last 9 months never happened. As if a part of Carey and me and Piper isn't missing for as long as we live here on earth.

Today I didn't care about what the good purpose behind it is and who might be impacted by our testimony through it. I wanted Tobi Ruth. I wanted our days to be filled with a newborn schedule, and the chaos of having two small children to see about when I'm running errands by myself. I wanted to know what her pretty little face looks like when she opens her eyes. I wanted to know if her voice is as small and girly as Piper's is. I wanted the memories I can't stop reliving to be replaced with balloons and flowers being brought up by happy faces of friends and family. Today I wasn't satisfied by the thought of future children I hope He will give us soon… I wanted Tobi.

But then tonight, I sat down to write in my prayer journal and to read my Bible like I do almost every single night. I didn't last night. I just decided not to because the time had gotten away from me. But tonight I felt an overwhelming urge to sit and talk to Him for a while and see what He had to say back to me, if anything at all. And I was reminded of a sermon of John Piper's that I listened to recently explaining the text from 2 Corinthians 4:16-18. He explains that what Paul is saying is that it is a renewing of our inner self day by day that keeps us from losing heart.

Day by day... He goes on to say "It means the refreshing, renewing, strength-giving drink you took in the morning that kept you from losing heart must be taken again the next morning — or night or noon. “Re-new” means something runs out. The bucket leaks. The car runs out of gas. The spiritual metabolism of your life feasted on the renewing meal, and now it needs another one." According to Jesus, each day has troubles of its own and therefore each day requires renewal of its own.

And so I sat and poured out my heart to the Lord. And I listened as He reminded me that He lost loved ones while He was here on earth, too. He knows the great sadness that comes with being separated from them in this life. And as Carey pointed out during that first week home, the Lord knows even greater anguish in loss than we do because so many of the ones He loves and died for choose to leave this life still rejecting Him… to go to a place where He will be eternally separated from them, unable to save them anymore.

THIS is the God who hears me when I cry to Him about how much my arms ache for Tobi Ruth.

And then afterwards, I turned on some music and got in the shower and sang to Him about His holiness. And I was again overwhelmed by the knowledge that Almighty God, who makes Himself knowable but also remains mysterious, had not only heard my heart but had answered me back with words of comfort and then led me to sing to Him about Who He is.

...Because He knows that it is the only thing that can make it all right. It is the only thing that makes us whole.

"In and out of situations
That tug-a-war at me
All day long I struggle
For answers that I need
Then I come into His presence
And all my questions become clear
And for a sacred moment
No doubt can interfere...

Through His love the Lord provided
A place for us to rest
A place to find the answers
In hours of distress
Now there's never any reason
For you to give up in despair
Just slip away and breathe His name
He will surely meet you there

In the presence of Jehovah
God Almighty, Prince of Peace
Troubles vanish, hearts are mended
In the presence of the King"